Keep Calm And Party On: Girl Who Keeps Going Out With COVID Cases Rising, Not Irresponsible, Secretly Plotting To Infect Her Wicked Step-Mother So It’s Smart, Actually

Sofie Rosenstein is just like any other girl in Alpha Phi. She’s hot, set with a job for life from her little CEO daddy, and she hasn’t let this little COVID bug that everyone’s talking about stop her from having the best senior fall semester of her college movie experience. 

But there’s one way she’s different from her sisters: she’s risking transmission of a virus that has killed more than a quarter of a million people in the United States on purpose. That’s right, sis not only knows the facts, but she’s done her own critical research on how the virus is most easily spread. She knows how to properly wear a mask, but  trust she makes sure to keep that thang under her nose. When she can finally take it off in the comfort of the backlot of Orange Crate or a packed house party at ZBT, you can find her sharing drinks, making out with strangers n, and, of course, licking every door knob she can. But one question remains--why?

And that’s all The Kumquat asked her in this in depth interview, before she told us all that other stuff that we’ve included above because we’re still figuring out this whole journalism thing. The reason for Sofie’s choices? Her “c*nt step-mother.”

“She sucks..” She said, ending her whole little spiel there. When asked what exactly her step-mother does that makes her so awful, Sofie refused to respond. So, as journalists, we’ll just take her word for it. 

Sofie’s step-mother may be immunocompromised, but she also should’ve let Sofie go up to Stephanie’s summer home in Vermont with her whole PC back in May. While The Kumquat acknowledges the past 6 months have felt like the longest era of history for everyone alive, we would be remiss to acknowledge that Sofie very may well be the only one to make use of that time, spending every waking  day plotting out her intricate little plan to eventually infect herself with the virus to kill her step-mom, and get off scot-free. 

Shakepseare wrote King Lear during a plague, and considering the lack of culturally impactful performance art over the past year, Sofie’s scheme may live on in perpetuity. 

Hoes Don’t Decompose: 5 Ways To Remove Ashley’s Frozen Carcass From The DJ’s Line So It Doesn’t Become A Whole Thing

We’ve all been there. It’s Thursday night, the line for DJ’s is around the corner, and your best friend’s flesh is in that precarious state between slightly spongy and full-on rotten meat. You really want to grab a drink, but as the old adage goes: Hoes don’t decompose! So with that in mind, here are some ways to relocate Ashley’s remains from that line so it doesn’t become a whole to-do…

1.     Create a Diversion

While waiting in line, you might begin to hear comments like, “What’s that smell?” or “Why does that girl look like she’s decaying?” That’s when you know its time for action. Pick out a random dweeb in front and offer him five bucks to yell out “Greek philanthropy events are self-serving!” As tens of people move in to correct him, discreetly drag Ashley’s carcass to the nearest Dunkin so she can thaw in a warm, stress-free environment.

2.  Pull a Bait-n-Switch

You need to ditch your friend’s remains, but you don’t want to lose your place in line! That’s where the ole’ bait-n-switch comes into play. Find the nearest accounting major whose cold, unfeeling disposition could easily help them pass for your frozen friend and offer her a chance to take your spot in line. Next thing you know she’s the one being accused of causing Marshall Street’s rancid stench while you and Ashley move safely out of harm’s way.

3. Dig a Trench

Syracuse earned its “Salt City” nickname thanks to the dozens of salt mines located right here in Central New York. Recreate that same adventurous spirit those miners had by burying your buddy’s cadaver right there in line. What better way to honor your best friend’s life than by submerging her next to the place that rejected her fake ID for two-and-a-half years? With a shovel and a little elbow grease, DJ’s could add a member to its exclusive R.I.P. club.

4. Light Her on Fire

Body disposals are such a hassle, so why not let nature do the work instead? Strike a match against the fur of Ashley’s Canada Goose jacket and relax as the frozen corpse goes up in flames. You’ll soon be the center of attention, but don’t bask in the spotlight too long: many of those in line have never touched a warm body before. Scamper into that bar before the crowd can desecrate her remains!

5. Take Her into DJ’s With You

Every friendship has its struggles, and no one wants to lose a best friend over something as petty as hypothermia. Ignore the haters and drag Ashley’s carcass inside for one more night of reckless drinking and shameless grinding. And as you end both end your night hunched over the toilet in DJ’s singular stall, you can black out soundly with the knowledge that your friend is truly in a better place.

Celebrate Good Times, Come On!: Student Association Candidates Expecting A Whopping 5.1% Voter Turnout This Year

It’s that time of year again: Student Association elections are upon us. Members of SA--or other interested applicants--spend hours painstakingly crafting their platforms, forming a campaign team, participating in debates, and speaking to students. And that dedication is not going unrewarded--SA has a predicted voter turnout of a whopping 5.1% this year!

“Yeah, we crunched the numbers, and it’s true--we’re predicting better turnout than the measly 4.9% last year,” said Student Association member Jackie Lowe. “That’s an extra THIRTY votes--from 747 to 777 this year out of 15,000. We’re pretty ecstatic.”

Student Association members had methods to increase voter turnout. SA members plan on hosting “Drunk MySlice Night,” where members of the student body get hammered and complete every single form on their MySlice, including their SA ballot. They also plan on compiling a list of every person who merely knows a member of SA and stealing their things, promising return once the ol’ ballot is handed in. With these intricate strategies, SA hopes to put their plan to increase turnout by 0.2% comes to fruition.

“We hope that these strategies really bring people out to vote for our campaign,” said one of the presidential candidates, whose name The Kumquat forgot and can’t really be bothered to look up. “We think it’ll push us over the edge!”

When asked for comments on their view of the election, Brayden Tanner of Theta Chi told us “I don’t give a shit about SA” and “it’s really weird of you to ask for interview requests at the door. Also, you don’t know anyone here and guys aren’t allowed so we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”

Said Stephanie Brown of Gamma Phi Beta, “Honestly, I’ll probably just vote for whoever bothers to show up to our house.”

With such overwhelming support, The Kumquat looks forward to a thriving election season. Happy voting!

Here’s What Females Actually Get Wrong About So-Called “Mansplaining”

Opinion by Manly F Haus: About the author ~ Manly F. Haus is the pseudonym under which marginalized male voices at Syracuse University can write anonymous opinion editorials without facing backlash or accountability from their peers.

Okay females, this one's for you! I’ve been seeing a lot of online buzz recently about a perceived phenomenon of “mansplaining.” This is actually very ironic, because anyone who claims it exists is actually basically “womansplaining.” Let that sink in.

Although I totally PWNED you females in that first graph (editor talk for paragraph), I am going to really dig deep into the nuance of my argument. I don’t believe anyone is as smart as I am when it comes to this topic because I bring the unique perspective of being a MALE internet user in the era of so-called “mansplaining.” This makes me an expert.

Ladies: I am pursuing a degree in communications. Trust me here. Would I have been able to gain admission to the SI Newhouse School of Public Communications if I was just any white man from the American Northeast? No! I had to demonstrate expertise! So believe me when I say that I have a lot of ground to stand on when I make this argument.

As someone who has been on Twitter, Reddit, 4Chan, and Facebook for a cumulative total of over 30 years, I have the type of ageless wisdom that is lauded in the nation’s most elite circles. There’s not a chance I’m wrong here. Everything I say is fucking brilliant, and this is not an exception. Females, you have to believe me here! Mansplaining doesn’t exist.

Still not convinced, girls? Well, like any good debates-man, I’ve saved my strongest argument for last! It’s a hypothetical situation, so just try to even wrap your brain around this one. I have a minor in philosophy, so keep that in mind. It goes like this: imagine a very smart woman and a very smart man having an intellectual discussion. They are both very smart, and they both bring something to the conversation… Now imagine that hypothetical place and time is HERE and NOW! Women are equal to men. So if mansplaining exists, it’s only because womansplaining existed! Checkmate gals. Until next time ;)

Manly F Haus

Op-Ed: The Daily Orange Should Publish This Op-Ed

SYRACUSE, N.Y. --- In an increasingly polarized era of partisan politics and “hot takes,” the Syracuse University student paper The Daily Orange has made a nasty habit of publishing literally any shitty opinion that they can coax out of a sophomore Political Science minor or RA in Day Hall. Perhaps the Trump era has appealed to these student journalists’ deepest narcissism and has emboldened them to believe they are an institution upon which our democracy is built. Perhaps the editorial board is mostly comprised of shitty white people who feel like their opinions are suddenly valid because of their ability to publish printed type. Perhaps all their writers are robots and their humanity software has a few glitches in it.

Whatever the case may be, the Syracuse University student body is beginning to lose itself in a crowded mess of neoliberal bullshit and apologetically conservative columns about the Theta Tau incident. It is on this basis that I assert: The Daily Orange should publish this opinion editorial.

If you’re reading this passage via the Syracuse University Kumquat -- the number one satirical media outlet in our modern western civilization -- that means The Daily Orange is currently weighing the decision of whether to publish this piece. It also means you consume your news from the handsomest and most accurate newsroom in the country. If The Daily Orange decides to publish this, you’ll go pick up the first and only copy of the paper that you ever have or ever will, and you’ll throw away everything but this Op-Ed and that photo of Dino Babers (which you’ll cut out and add to your Shrine-o-Babers).

If you’re reading this passage via The Daily Orange, this irrelevant and unworthy “media” outlet has made its first good decision since deciding they would stop printing a Tuesday edition of the paper. I also have sincere questions for you about the reason you decided to pick up this print newspaper (unless it was specifically to obtain concrete record of this editorial and to cut-out that two page spread of the walking wet dream that coaches our football team).

No matter how you consume this rock-solid opinion piece with no flaws, I hope it inspires you to utilize the free press to widely circulate your own claims and opinions. It is truly one of the the most cathartic and most accessible ways to exercise your civil liberties, and Syracuse University is the perfect place to guarantee that someone will be around to listen. Let loose! Send your closely-held yet widely unpopular opinions to The Daily Orange. If you’re as gifted and talented of a writer as I am, they may even publish it!

Baker Mornings, B.S Candidate

Triple Major - Newspaper/Online Journalism, Sociology, and Civic Engagement

Chairman - Advisory Committee On Advice To Advise Administration

Ottotunes - Second Baritone

Three Strikes And You’re Out: Here’s Why I’m No Longer Welcome In The Eggers Cafe

It’s been a long time coming and it’s finally here - I am no longer welcome in the Eggers Cafe. My various offenses against good taste and the workers of Eggers Cafe have finally caught up with me. There are too many to list, so here are the top three strikes against me in the Eggers Cafe.

1. Arguing with the manager

This one, I can see. I mean, the Mac & Cheese, while it is priced and sold like a soup, could conceivably be considered not a soup. However, I’m not one to go down without a fight, so I brought the manager out to prove my point. Turns out he didn’t have any patience for my shenanigans. Ouch. Strike one.

2. Being Cute

Yes, I have long eyelashes and adorable chubby cheeks. However, this worked to my detriment as I was informed that I could not, in fact, be this cute and remain in Eggers Cafe. I put on my best pout, made my lips come together like a fish, and crossed my arms, and said, “Pwease Mistwah Manyagew, I'm too cute to eat at Schinye, onwy Food Sewvices peopwe and senyiows with five capstonyes eat thewe uwu.” I was thrown out summarily.

3. Throwing a Dayger

As soon as I dropped my carton of Keystone Light in the middle of Eggers Cafe, I knew it would be over for good. Yet, as “Freaky Friday” came on, everyone in Eggers came together in a beautiful moment of solidarity, an unabashed “screw you” to the system, and they all began to beat me up in front of a DPS officer. Then the DPS officer joined in and that right there is why I can never return to the Eggers Cafe.

“I Very Clearly Don’t Want To Be Here Or Give A Shit At All”-- Tales From The Women Of Schine’s Dunkin Donuts

In an exclusive interview for The Kumquat, four powerful business women sat down and shared their stories of service and deliverance. Although the women come from all walks of life, they have one thing in common: they all work at the Schine Dunkin Donuts and clearly don’t want to be there or give a shit at all. The following is an unedited transcription of our raw, emotional interview.

Kum: Thank you all very much for being here today.

At this point, all of the women stared at me blankly.

Kum: I would love to start by asking about how you all met. Was this sisterhood always so strong? Or did your bond develop over time?

DD1: Well the main thing that made us so close from the very beginning was our absolute disdain for the members of the Syracuse University community.

DD2: Hate all those fuckers.

DD1: Specifically it’s the undergraduate students. But also the graduate students, the faculty and staff, and any visiting students or families from anywhere at all. As a team, we often project our disdain onto them with our lack of work ethic.

DD3: Funny story! The first shift we all worked together, we all completely ignored the only customer in line.

DD4: Me and [DD1] both stared right at him and said absolutely nothing.

DD2:  And from there we all kinda looked at each other and we knew… we’re gonna do that everyday!

DD4: Absolutely none of us wanted to be there or gave even a little bit of a shit about the job we did. And it’s still true today.

Kum: That’s really amazing. Now, if I could hone in on that a little bit here--I wanted to get to the customer experience. Could you each recall some other moments on the job where you demonstrated directly to customers that you don’t give a shit in the slightest?

DD2: Honestly it’s everyday.

DD3: Everyday.

DD1: Everytime I greet a customer, I look right into their eyes and assess the character of their soul. If I don’t like the vibe I get, I won’t fill up their coffee all the way or stir it even a little.

KUM: And how often would you say that you do that?

DD1: It’s been all of the customers so far.

KUM: Fascinating. Do each of you practice this sort of discretionary customer service--deciding when and for whom to properly carry out your job?

All of the women nodded.

DD2: I’m gonna be honest, I spit in just about every breakfast sandwich I serve. I just can’t really stop myself from gathering up a big ol’ loogie and slapping it on a rich white boy’s croissantwich.  

DD4: I do the same thing.

KUM: An amazing act of defiance against the bourgeoisie! I’m gonna segue here...shift gears a little...I gotta ask something all of our readers have been dying to know. Do you realize that a large population of the community steal from your Dunkin?

DD3: Oh yeah it’s super easy.

DD2: We all do too.

KUM: Astounding. What would you say emboldens the customers to regularly avoid paying?

DD1: Well we don’t give a shit or want to be there at all.

DD4: That’s very true. Same with the cashiers.

DD3: Candidly, our presence earns us a fixed wage by the hour. We are simply cogs in a capital machine. For this reason, we opt to put forward the bare minimum amount of effort required to serve the murky sludge that “academics” find to be reminiscent of the flavor of coffee.

DD4: It’s true. The four of us, like the cashiers, cooks, and even the students and staff we serve, are all pawns of the larger institution that values the US dollar more than the well being and success of its at-large community.

DD1: Exactly. We also understand that the product we serve is a drug of choice for the community, and the demand for sugar and for caffeine will never decline as long as the institution continues to systematically exhaust its students physically and emotionally. It’s a coping mechanism available on a regular basis at Syracuse, unlike counseling services or healthy dialogue.

DD2: A girl tried to order a “venti” drink from me the other day and I slapped her across the face.

KUM: Hilarious! You women are so kooky!

The women sat quietly for about thirty seconds and then made their way to the refreshments table provided by The Kumquat. They filled their pockets with granola and left the room without saying goodbye or thank you.

How The DJ’s VIP Card Changed My Life: Customer Testimony

Freshman year can be scary; I think I know better than anyone.  Leaving my adorable little 10-bedroom house for a whole other part of New York might have been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Sharing a bedroom AND a bathroom? I could barely even imagine it. I only knew roughly 12 other people from my social circle coming to Syracuse, and only 9 of us vacationed together in the Hamptons last summer. I felt pretty isolated. I was worried I wouldn’t make the kind of friends I’d always imagined having in college, the kind that end up in ImSchmacked videos. Guys who thought an obscure ‘80s basketball jersey was the same as having a personality. Girls who held each other’s hair back. Guys who knew almost all the words to “Gods Plan.” Girls who looked enough like twins to make it worthy of an Instagram caption. Guys who daged.

         That’s when I knew the DJ’s Black VIP Card was right for me.

I mean, EVERYONE goes to DJ’s. And when I say everyone, I don’t mean mostly everyone. I mean EVERYONE. It’s the SPOT. When I watched their ad on Facebook months before enrolling, it was clear to me this wasn’t any old basement bar that smelled like Red Bull, Feet and mango Juul pods. This bar would also accept my shitty Pennsylvania fake with my name spelled wrong.  When I realized all this, I didn’t even worry about the $800 fee. I immediately told my mother this card was ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY and also that if she didn’t buy it for me I would drive her BMW into the Hudson river, and guess what? She agreed.

How would I describe my customer experience with the DJ’s Black card? It’s a NEED. With my black card, I’m always a part of the “in crowd”: the name I like to use for the crowd of people waving their VIP cards at haggard bouncers shouting about getting in. With my Black card, if I complain loud enough that I have it, I’m always the first one in. Plus, I can get a spiked seltzer for just $3, and a regular seltzer for $4!

         And best of all, I’ve found my friends for life in the group of other freshman who decided to buy a VIP card. You know, the guys who make their Tinder profile pic them holding a red bull vodka pitcher. The guys who tell you they’re a legacy in DKE. The guys with an Astroworld T-shirts. Really just a lot of guys.

Well, thanks to my card, that legacy in DKE gave me a hickey during Mo Bamba. What will your DJs VIP car to for you?  

Xoxo,

Jessica Rubenstein

Syracuse University Class of 2022

An Article About How Great the Newest Kumquat Article Is, Written by Someone Who Is Definitely Not in the Kumquat

As a student at Syracuse University completely unaffiliated with Syracuse University’s most HILARIOUS humor group, The Kumquat, I was psyched to learn that they would be releasing a brand new, and (spoiler alert!) hilarious new article.

This article already has a lot of buzz. A social media campaign that was started seconds ago has already racked up three views. Although the article has a lot of Syracuse University specific references, like to Syracuse University’s funniest humor group (their words, not mine), it’s still sure to be relatable to students at all universities, because it’s just so damn funny.

It would be impossible for me to give anything away because I haven’t actually read it myself, but you will be laughing the entire time you read this article. Read the article below and let us know what you think in the comments.

http://sukumquat.com/a-college-drunking-parody-a-parody-of-college-drinking/

Sorry for the upload issues, I had some technical problems uploading the article. Here it is for real now.