As reported in The Daily Orange, an SU student recently got his penis stuck in one of the holes of the Chipotle wall. The Kumquat has obtained a copy of the man’s journal, in which he describes the week-long fiasco.
Sunday
Now, I don’t want to come across as the boy who cried “I got my dick stuck in the Chipotle wall,” but it seems that my reputation precedes me. Yes, I’ll admit that I’ve faked this exact scenario countless times before. The first time, I only made the joke to my friends, who love that sort of thing. I mean, I’m a real guy’s guy; I never pass up the opportunity to make a dick joke! But after some chuckles from the boys, I had to amp things up a little - I tried to get the employees to think I was stuck. With time, they’ve really come to appreciate the joke. Whenever I enter the Chipotle, I hear the manager say something like “he’s back,” followed by a chorus of groans from the other employees. We have a good rapport like that. Anyways, the employees still think it’s a joke. I don’t think they ever thought that I would actually put my penis in the wall. I’m not really sure what to do now. I am stuck.
Monday
I gotta be honest, I’m getting pretty hungry. I haven’t eaten since yesterday. I’m not even sure how to go to the bathroom in this thing- what’s on the other side? I don’t know. I fear the unknown, but it seems that that’s where I’m headed if the employees still think I’m joking. I’m too ashamed to tell them that this isn’t a fabricated situation. I mean, it’s embarrassing. I don’t want to be Jason “The Guy Who Got His Dick Stuck In The Chipotle Wall.” I want to be Jason “The Guy Who Makes A Fuckton Of Money At His Boss-Ass Job On Wall Street, Even Though His Dad Got Him The Job, But He Still Could Have Gotten The Position On Merit Alone!” That’s the Jason I want to be.
Tuesday
I missed all my classes today. The worst part is that the other customers still think I’m in line to order something, so no one cuts in front of me. They all just politely wait for me to order, meaning that the line just gets longer and longer, all the way out the door and around the corner to Shirt World. I keep telling everyone that I just need “another minute to decide,” but I don’t like holding up the line like this.
Wednesday
I’ve lost all feeling in my penis. Why do I do these things? It’s like that scene in The Christmas Story where the kid gets his tongue stuck to the pole, but in this case, I got my… well, I don’t really think I need to say it again, do I?
Thursday
The Chipotle got a new manager today. She mistook me for an employee and told me I need to sweep the floors before opening. She gave me a hat and an apron, and told me I’m already way behind on my work for the day, and that if I don’t get going soon, I’m gonna have to stay late. I don’t want to stay late. I need to get home to my roommates. Thursday night is Ridiculousness Night.
Friday
Well, I missed Ridiculousness Night. The boys won’t even respond to my texts anymore. Why will no one help me!? Luckily, I’ve been right next to a power outlet this entire time, so I’ve been able to use my phone. I watched 127 Hours last night, and it’s giving me all these crazy ideas about how to get unstuck.
Saturday
I woke up this morning unattached from the wall. Thank the Lord! Apparently I fainted overnight. The doctor told me that all I needed to do was to lose my erection in order to detach myself. I wish that I’d thought of this earlier, but I’m prone to nervous erections and the entire situation gave me a lot of anxiety. Yes, I kept an erection for six days, but I’m not the real hero here. Anyways, the Doc said that fainting was what caused me to lose the erection, so technically I had to “go limp to go limp.” Needless to say, I probably won’t be trying the “dick stuck in wall” joke anytime soon. But then again, I have to find some way to get back on the boys’ good side. Will update soon…