Sofie Rosenstein is just like any other girl in Alpha Phi. She’s hot, set with a job for life from her little CEO daddy, and she hasn’t let this little COVID bug that everyone’s talking about stop her from having the best senior fall semester of her college movie experience.
But there’s one way she’s different from her sisters: she’s risking transmission of a virus that has killed more than a quarter of a million people in the United States on purpose. That’s right, sis not only knows the facts, but she’s done her own critical research on how the virus is most easily spread. She knows how to properly wear a mask, but trust she makes sure to keep that thang under her nose. When she can finally take it off in the comfort of the backlot of Orange Crate or a packed house party at ZBT, you can find her sharing drinks, making out with strangers n, and, of course, licking every door knob she can. But one question remains--why?
And that’s all The Kumquat asked her in this in depth interview, before she told us all that other stuff that we’ve included above because we’re still figuring out this whole journalism thing. The reason for Sofie’s choices? Her “c*nt step-mother.”
“She sucks..” She said, ending her whole little spiel there. When asked what exactly her step-mother does that makes her so awful, Sofie refused to respond. So, as journalists, we’ll just take her word for it.
Sofie’s step-mother may be immunocompromised, but she also should’ve let Sofie go up to Stephanie’s summer home in Vermont with her whole PC back in May. While The Kumquat acknowledges the past 6 months have felt like the longest era of history for everyone alive, we would be remiss to acknowledge that Sofie very may well be the only one to make use of that time, spending every waking day plotting out her intricate little plan to eventually infect herself with the virus to kill her step-mom, and get off scot-free.
Shakepseare wrote King Lear during a plague, and considering the lack of culturally impactful performance art over the past year, Sofie’s scheme may live on in perpetuity.