By Sam Baylow
Eleven feet and eleven inches: that was the length of the cylindrical miracle of a bronze, fully nude Otto. Each vein was hand-chiseled, each foreskin flap took months to sculpt, and the urethra was sculpted to be a nesting spot for bald eagles. To put it mildly, it was the best statue ever made.
Sculpted by famous Italian sculptor Cavallo Pene, “The Triumph Of Otto” was erected to invoke school spirit, and, according to SUArt Museum Curator Lucille Rubbers, Pene’s masterpiece made her feel more proud to be an Orangeman than ever before.
“It was like seeing an eighth wonder of the world,” Rubbers said while clutching a handkerchief. “In my line of work, you see so much art that you become numb to it, nothing ever surprises you anymore. When they took the tarp off, I was brought to my knees, my eyes crossed, my soul was penetrated. It was a feeling I had never felt before.”
The statue was first presented at an alumni dinner on December 25th, 2017 with the statue to be mounted in front of Manley Fieldhouse on April 11th. Alumni were ecstatic when the statue was unveiled, many of which began sobbing tears of joy. The Newhouse family offered to provide funding for a Newhouse 4 after the eldest Newhouse ran his hand slowly down the shaft of Otto’s metallic vein train. Reports even claim Dick Clark resurrected himself for five minutes just so he could kiss the slightly purple tip. Everyone loved the statue and its marvelous member… except Chancellor Kent.
One hour after the alumni dinner concluded, the villainous Kent ordered for the statue to be thrown into the Onondaga Lake, and just two hours later, the fully nude Otto and its 11ft 11in pipe of prosperity were never seen again.
“I cried for 40 days and 40 nights, just like that guy from the Bible,” reminisced Rubbers. “To say the SUArt community was crushed is an understatement. It was a pain nobody had ever felt before. That is why we created this campaign, to show the SU community that many of our statues have dummy long dongs and that Kent can’t take our between-the-legs javelins away from us.”
Starting October 27th, SUArt Museum will launch an online campaign and in-person exhibit to increase student awareness of campus artworks with massive schlongs. The online campaign will include an interactive website that consists of a Colin-Jost-narrated virtual tour of all of the painted, sculpted, and hand-drawn khaki snakes on campus. Also on the website, there will be a DIY feature where you can draw a whimsical wang on a virtual copy of any art on SU’s campus and sell your creation as an NFT.
However, the indoor exhibit is the campaign’s greatest spectacle. The gallery, worth over 1.1 billion dollars, features original, cock-wielding versions of favorite SU sculptures and paintings on campus as well as famous artists retouching classic SU art. Each artist brings their own take on what the original art would look like if the art possessed an uncircumcised pickle. Colin Jost will be giving 1 on 1 tours of the gallery with patrons who donate over 100 dollars to the campaign.
“I’m just happy to be here,” commented a sweaty Jost.
To describe each artwork featured in the gallery would be too long and hard to handle, but, for those who unfortunately cannot attend a gallery viewing, SUArt has given The Kumquat insider history on certain pieces the gallery is presenting.
“Moses,” the statue between Bowne Hall and Shaffer Hall, originally was sculpted with his 10ft 2in holy staff parting the Red Sea. However, in a Syracuse blizzard, half of Moses’s fat, juicy cock fell off the statue, forcing the SU art department to remove Moses’s testicle hose entirely. The half of Moses’s cock blown away in the blizzard was recently discovered by Jim Morrison of The Doors fame, but when he delivered the shattered schlong to SUArt Museum, he demanded that he remain anonymous.
“The Trial of Sacco and Vanzetti,” the mural on Huntington-Beard Crouse Hall, was originally drafted to have Sacco and Vanzetti sword duel fully nude with their Italian sausages, but the artist scrapped the idea, wanting the mural to be less historically accurate.
Last but not least, there were supposed to be two Abraham Lincolns in front of Maxwell, each with their respective waist muskets. The first Abraham Lincoln statue was had Abe possess a small micropenis barely visible by the naked eye in order to represent the spirits of America when the North lost crucial battles against Robert E Lee. The second statue was to have a 9ft golden rod with an American flag planted on the circumcised tip protruding from Honest Abe’s slackers to represent the Union’s victory against the Confederates. In 1968, when the Abraham Lincoln statue was built, a second statue could not be completed because Syracuse wanted to save money so Jack Harlow could perform at Juice Jam.
SUArt’s schlong marathon may be their most ambitious and awarded effort yet, with thousands projected to view the gallery when it opens. “If I died tomorrow,” said Rubbers, “I would die a happy woman, an accomplished woman. Knowing that I helped bring back the passion for man meat that I felt so long ago with naked Otto makes me euphoric. We save the cocks, we study the cocks, and we praise the cocks, so we can learn from the cocks, and that is a life motto I finally have been able to live up to.”
Check out the schlong-centric art campaign from October 27 to November 2nd at the Shaffer Art Gallery, or don’t.