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My Dearest William,
I cannot play this cat and mouse game anymore. How long I have been biting my tongue while your elegance grows every passing day as your sheen becomes a stunning bruised banana color. I purchased this column to finally say my truth, William. I love you.
Read moreEvery student living in the campus dorms has had to deal with the “Resident Advisor,” a member of a paramilitary organization tasked with the protection of private property owned by the Kent-led Syracuse bourgeoisie. While most foolishly open up their doors to be searched when the RA commands it, this is the dumbest fucking thing they could do. According to the 2nd Amendment, the NRA, and my crazy Uncle Ricky (recently killed in an unfortunate aquatic skeet shooting accident, bless his heart), I have the right to hole up in my dorm room with a sawed-off shotgun and exercise my God-given right to stand my ground.
Read moreMore and more professors are using Spotter, the app that allows professors to measure attendance through tracking the location of students from 30 minutes before classes begin until 10 minutes after class has ended.
Read moreWe’ve all been there. It’s Thursday night, the line for DJ’s is around the corner, and your best friend’s flesh is in that precarious state between slightly spongy and full-on rotten meat. You really want to grab a drink, but as the old adage goes: Hoes don’t decompose! So with that in mind, here are some ways to relocate Ashley’s remains from that line so it doesn’t become a whole to-do…
1. Create a Diversion
While waiting in line, you might begin to hear comments like, “What’s that smell?” or “Why does that girl look like she’s decaying?” That’s when you know its time for action. Pick out a random dweeb in front and offer him five bucks to yell out “Greek philanthropy events are self-serving!” As tens of people move in to correct him, discreetly drag Ashley’s carcass to the nearest Dunkin so she can thaw in a warm, stress-free environment.
2. Pull a Bait-n-Switch
You need to ditch your friend’s remains, but you don’t want to lose your place in line! That’s where the ole’ bait-n-switch comes into play. Find the nearest accounting major whose cold, unfeeling disposition could easily help them pass for your frozen friend and offer her a chance to take your spot in line. Next thing you know she’s the one being accused of causing Marshall Street’s rancid stench while you and Ashley move safely out of harm’s way.
3. Dig a Trench
Syracuse earned its “Salt City” nickname thanks to the dozens of salt mines located right here in Central New York. Recreate that same adventurous spirit those miners had by burying your buddy’s cadaver right there in line. What better way to honor your best friend’s life than by submerging her next to the place that rejected her fake ID for two-and-a-half years? With a shovel and a little elbow grease, DJ’s could add a member to its exclusive R.I.P. club.
4. Light Her on Fire
Body disposals are such a hassle, so why not let nature do the work instead? Strike a match against the fur of Ashley’s Canada Goose jacket and relax as the frozen corpse goes up in flames. You’ll soon be the center of attention, but don’t bask in the spotlight too long: many of those in line have never touched a warm body before. Scamper into that bar before the crowd can desecrate her remains!
5. Take Her into DJ’s With You
Every friendship has its struggles, and no one wants to lose a best friend over something as petty as hypothermia. Ignore the haters and drag Ashley’s carcass inside for one more night of reckless drinking and shameless grinding. And as you end both end your night hunched over the toilet in DJ’s singular stall, you can black out soundly with the knowledge that your friend is truly in a better place.
As a student at Syracuse University completely unaffiliated with Syracuse University’s most HILARIOUS humor group, The Kumquat, I was psyched to learn that they would be releasing a brand new, and (spoiler alert!) hilarious new article.
This article already has a lot of buzz. A social media campaign that was started seconds ago has already racked up three views. Although the article has a lot of Syracuse University specific references, like to Syracuse University’s funniest humor group (their words, not mine), it’s still sure to be relatable to students at all universities, because it’s just so damn funny.
It would be impossible for me to give anything away because I haven’t actually read it myself, but you will be laughing the entire time you read this article. Read the article below and let us know what you think in the comments.
http://sukumquat.com/a-college-drunking-parody-a-parody-of-college-drinking/
Sorry for the upload issues, I had some technical problems uploading the article. Here it is for real now.
On February 9th, comedian and actress Aparna Nancherla opened for Jenny Slate in University Union’s Spring Comedy Show at Goldstein Auditorium. Nancherla owned the stage with her dry humor and signature understated style, touching on topics that ranged from women’s magazines to what she might wear to a spring impeachment. After the show, The Kumquat got to sit down with Nancherla for an interview.
Q: Can you talk about how a joke evolves over your time on the road? How might it change through sets?
A: I have a pretty informal process. I think for me it’s a lot of jotting down ideas when they first occur to me and then maybe sketching out a rough outline of what the joke could be, angles that I think are funny, and then kind of talking it out onstage within whatever structure I have. Kind of finding what works and what doesn’t and then from there workshopping it until it takes a form, but it is a very hit or miss process. Sometimes you try a thing and it works for a while, but then it stops working so you either shelve it or scrap it. With other things, the story just happens to be more fully formed and you can work on fleshing it out or making it funnier. Everything has its own process once you try it onstage.
Q: As a South Asian woman, did you have any challenges making it in the entertainment industry. If so, how did you overcome it?
A: That’s a good question. I do feel like, when I started standup, it was after people like Aziz and Mindy Kaling were kind of breaking, so I do feel like they opened some doors for me that I didn’t have to. There wasn’t as much expectation of, “You’re a South Asian comedian, so you should talk about being South Asian or talk about growing up differently.” I do feel like I was allowed to stick to my own voice and kind of carve my own path in a way that, maybe people who came before me might not have had the same freedom. It was also when YouTube and Facebook and social media really blew up, so that also has really made the platforms for how you can be seen and how people can discover you so much broader than it was before. So, I think I’ve been lucky. I think the old gatekeepers still exist in that, you know, there’s still a diversity problem in Hollywood and representation onscreen is a work in progress, but I do think it’s changing for the better and I do feel like I’ve been lucky in being part of that wave.
Q: What was your favorite part about growing up in Arlington or Washington D.C.?
A: I feel like growing up I didn’t take advantage of the city that much, so it was a pretty typical suburban childhood. I’m going to be a nerd and say I really liked going to the library when I was a kid. It was a very nice place to grow up. We lived on a street with a cul-de-sac and all the neighbors hung out; it was a very typical middle class upbringing.
Q: You often acknowledge as soon as you walk onstage that you’re not the typical white, male comedian an audience is used to seeing. Do you find that you’re held to a higher standard as a woman of color in comedy?
A: It’s always tough sometimes to know if you are because I don’t have the reference point of, ” If I were a straight white male in comedy what would that be like?” but I do feel like sometimes it takes the audience a second to be like, “Oh, maybe you’re doing something a little different than what we expect or what we’re used to.” There might be a little bit of an adjustment, but I do feel like, the longer I’ve done it, either people are more familiar with my work or just my own comfort on stage, it feels like I am able to get to what I want to talk about sooner. I feel like, when I started, there was maybe a little bit more of the kind of bridge or divide that people expected from me versus what I wanted to do. Now I do feel like I can get right into what I want to talk about, which is nice. It might be partly the audience and partly me of both growing in a direction of being exposed to more diverse performers and me having more years under my belt.
Q: Comedians now have become the vanguard of social morality on Twitter. Can you talk to me about balancing being a comedian with being a sort of political figure?
A: It’s interesting because I do feel like social media can be deceptive in that, it can sometimes feel like an echo chamber in that you’re being political, but maybe you’re mostly talking to people who agree with you or, if you’re getting trolls, it’s like the most extreme hatred or vitriol. But, I do think it is good to at least, for me, just be informed of what’s happening, because it feels like things are more polarized and dire than they may have been in the past, and try to use my platform as much as I can for positive change and just to be on the right side of history and, in whatever small way, whether it’s just performing on more fundraisers or showing up for protests. Just in small ways trying to not just be like, “I’m going to tweet about whatever happened today,” but also try to put some action behind that because I feel like it can fall into just, oh I’ll retweet these five things and then that’ll be my calling my representative.
Q: In your set, you talked a lot about your introversion. How do you manage to cope with that, especially when you have a career that puts you in the spotlight?
A: That’s a great question. I do think that the fun thing about standup is you are talking to a lot of people and dealing with a lot of people, but it’s in a pretty controlled way. It’s like a one-way conversation where you’re sort of talking to people, so I do think in that sense it’s nice for an introvert because you have a little bit more control rather than when you’re at a party or a networking mixer or something. And then, when it’s done, you can just run to your home or go get in your bed and read your book, so it is a nice balance of being able to use the medium to express my ideas and thoughts to the world but not having to constantly be outgoing and being like, “Come to my show!” or whatever. I can sort of dial back once I’m offstage.
Q: If you could go back to when you were just breaking out onto the comedy scene in Washington D.C., is there anything you would do differently?
A: I think I would just try to be more comfortable with being, maybe, different than everyone else. I think sometimes when you’re starting, people are like, “Oh, you do things like, maybe a little bit outside of the box compared to other people,” and I think when you’re starting sometimes people can be like, “Oh, maybe you should try to dial that back a little bit,” but I think it’s okay to really own it and double down on it. I think, maybe if I did it again, I would just try to do that more.
Ashley was looking for a fun weekend activity while her parents, Jim and Karen, who she lovingly refers to as “Jim and Karen”, were in town. Did she want to go to Denny’s? Turning Stone? All great options, but Ashley decided to kill some time by seeing a movie at Destiny.
One problem though…who wants to support those Hollywood liberals?
“I hate those cucks in Hollywoo-land”, said Jim. “They’re so out of touch with real America. I only like movies that show real man out in the war defending our nation while I sit back with my popcorn and cheer like a nice white cheerleader. You watch that and wonder how anyone could take a knee to my favorite song. My knees are stretched in a nice patriotic recliner watching Saving Private Ryan”
And no, Jim wasn’t talking about “Swish Swish” as his favorite song, but the national anthem. But what about Karen, American housewife and mother?
“Oh I just like watching some calm, female centered stuff like ‘The Help’”, said Karen. “The first half of The Help is amazing til they get all ‘liberated.’ But, you know, Emma Stone was just a darling in that film-”
“-Until she started dancing with that fairy Ryan Gosling,” Jim chimed in. “He’s no Derek Hough. Now that’s a man.”
When they arrived to the theater, Ashley warned them they might have to see something a little more woke for their tastes. She suggested “The Lego Ninjango Movie”, something fun yet socially relevant the entire family could enjoy, but Jim feared those yellow toys were made by those commies in China. If he wanted Chinese food, they would’ve gone to New York City, dammit.
“I just want to see something American Made, like that movie “American Made”. Hey, that Tom Cruise fella is in it! Now he’s a gentleman. No politics, treats everyone with respect, faithful to his religion. And he’s from Syracuse! That’s where we are, right now!”
As Jim wiped away a tear at the pride of his generic daughter’s accomplishments, Karen suggested they go see the film “mother!”, as Karen is Ashley’s mother, and maybe the film will give her some inspiration for a caption come mother’s day.
The Crouse Hinds money tree has yielded the largest harvest the university has ever seen, Chancellor Kent Syverud announced this week.
Syverud ordered his indentured servant, Otto the Orange, to personally pick each wad of cash from the money tree. Syverud then arranged the money in an elaborate cornucopia and gifted it to Pete Sala, the campus mason. Sala will use the money to fund the administration’s ambitious Campus Framework and Academic Strategic Plan, which will cost approximately 10,000 promenades.
“Blessed be! The money crop was bountiful this season!” Syverud said in an interview with The Kumquat.
When asked why the university still plans to raise tuition if the money tree did well this season, Syverud screamed “burn witch!!!” and attempted to leave the room surreptitiously.
Otto did not respond to multiple requests for comment for this story. After Syverud’s interview, the indentured servant was seen stealing money from the cornucopia, several sources who requested anonymity for fear of being burned at the stake told The Kumquat.
Otto has not been seen since.
The money tree was planted on a sunny day last spring when Syverud pranced down to the lobby of Crouse Hinds in his best tall hat with a belt buckle on it. With the tears of a newly enrolled freshman, he watered the tree seed that would eventually become the financial source for literally every new campus update.
Syverud plans to use the remainder of the money tree harvest to start renovating Ernie Davis Hall.
The Kumquat asks that if you have any information about the whereabouts of Otto the Orange, you contact us immediately.
FAYETTEVILLE, NY – Returning home after a full 8-hour shift driving various routes to and from Syracuse University and South Campus, local bus driver Danika Walters took a few minutes to pen down several names of passengers who had neglected to thank her when exiting in her shitlist. “It’s one thing if they leave out the back, but if they walk directly by me and don’t thank me, that’s a one-way ticket to my everlasting judgment.” Said Walters, whose shitlist already spans the first 40 pages of a composite notebook. “It’s my handy little way of remembering who’s an ungrateful waste of space on this Earth and who’s a polite young adult.” At press time, Walters was seen jotting in her notebook after someone failed to hold a door open for her.
The first PSY 205 recitation of the year started out harmlessly. Apart from the TA saying the word “chill” a few too many times, class was proceeding in a typically mundane manner. Things started going south when, instead of sharing the classic “major and a fun fact,” it was revealed that the students would be participating in a rousing game of “Two Truths and a Lie.”
The very first person to play, introduced only as “Emily,” was quite friendly before class and was the natural choice to lead off. Her first two statements went by without a hitch when she claimed to have two siblings and to have never left New York. But unexpectedly her eyes clouded slightly. And then she said it.
“My parents got divorced on my birthday.”
Every muscle in the room was immediately clenched and no one quite knew where to look. A smattering of nervous coughs and shifting chairs filled the otherwise looming silence while an exceptionally uncomfortable student tried to hold back an inappropriate laugh. After at least five empty seconds passed, the ever-hopeful TA meekly asked, “which one was the lie?”
“It was the sibling thing,” said Emily, before her expression got even darker. “I only used to have two siblings.”
The eyes of every student widened. Emily stared blankly at the linoleum floor. Eight more white-knuckle seconds of silence passed until a local hero spoke up with a “Welp, guess I’ll go next.” A few nervous jokes were made as the room made a silent pact to never speak about the moment again.
As of publication, it is unclear if “Emily” will be returning to this recitation but we will continue updating you with this breaking news as it unfolds.
As Uber in Syracuse continues to be the most revolutionary form of transportation on campus since that one kid that skates on only two wheels, a new feature has been sweeping the streets. Available now during the horniest hours of the nights, a new Uber pool option will be offered exclusively to confused freshmen who failed to get their dick wet from that special someone. Now, freshmen can make it home safe and sound instead of pacing around Ackerman asking themselves if Rachel was really down.
The feature works through multiple phases using never before seen technology. Since phone numbers are already synced to your account, the app quickly searches your phone for any texts or audible phrases in your convo that seem like its about to be a bust. It looks out for phrases like: “Yo whatcha up to?” and “Need some company?” and immediately sends a driver over to anticipate the letdown far in advance.
Once safely in the car, the driver activates the questionnaire function on the app. Questions like: “Did you think that shirt would work?” and “You know your haircut doesn’t make a difference, right?”
These questions help the passenger reevaluate their night and prevent them from having another night of total failure. Once the trip has ended, the driver uses the apps star rating system to judge if the passenger was actually good-looking and deserving of a hookup. At five stars, the passenger is decent after three shots. At one star, the passenger is disgustingly unappealing.
This new Uber function has received rave reviews among users so far and has done much better than the competing app “Lyft Loser.” In the end, the new Uber feature will help thousands of freshman passengers sharing a ride in a Honda Civic slowly realize they’re just truly ugly inside and out.
It is a day you will never forget. One filled with nerves, surprise, and, ultimately, a whole lot of joy and excitement for a future of possibilities. Yes, it is the first time you use a bidet. Or it’s that very special day you receive a Bid from a sorority and run to their lawn to be united with your sisters and future bridesmaids! Either way it’s the first day of the rest of your life. Here are the ways Bid Day and bidets are more alike than you think.
1. No Wasteful Toilet Paper
After taking an 100 level Geography class, I hate being wasteful about anything. Bidets leave you fresh and clean with no needed assistance from toilet paper. And, thankfully, most fraternities and sororities have given up the tradition of wrapping your face in toilet paper and drawing penises on them.
2. There’s A Whole Lotta Screamin’!
I won’t give away any Bid Day secrets, but if you want to join any of the groovy frats or sorors, be prepared to bust a lung. However, I will tell you the story of the first time I used a bidet. I pooped, hit the button, and screamed as a desire awakened in me that I never knew was there.
3. Typically White
Most porcelain toilets are made white so the person using it after you has visual proof that you haven’t eaten a vegetable in a week. Bidets are the same, just with a video-recording water sprayer hiding at the bottom. Looking into the sea of your new sisters – or brothers – is kinda reminiscent of staring at the blinding porcelain of a bidet. So very white!
4. Syracuse Weather Makes It A Strictly Indoors Experience
There’s nothing like dropping a deuce in the great outdoors and spraying a water gun up in your asshole. There’s also nothing like receiving your bid (or learning you’ve gotten rejected from every single house) while in the public eye. Snow ruins everything.
5. Either Way, Your Butthole Is Getting Wet
This is the essence of both Bid Day and bidets: the sensation of water jetting between your outstretched cheeks then learning whether or not you’ll have friends for the next few years. On second thought, toilet paper might be necessary.
Just after ordering her daily morning beverage of hot melted ice with lemon seeds at Café Kubal, Elmira Cuttinggrass was informed that she was to be presented with a prestigious honor – this year’s Most Tolerable TA Alive.
“I had heard that I was under consideration, but really this is such a surprise!” the 28-year old mother of two lizards says.
Although she had been a TA for nearly three years, she was more than happy to accept the award for what she feels is an under appreciated art form.
“Being a TA is hard work. You’re basically standing in a lecture hall full of 200 students trying to validate the bat-shit crazy professor. At the same time, students look to you for a sense of normalcy, like everything is going to be ok. You’re literally playing for both sides. It’s like if Batman teamed up with Joker and was like ‘its ok I’m still here for you guys!’”
As a TA, Cuttinggrass has seen many things, but her years of experience have given her the cool composure that’s required for such a task
“One time, a professor threw a globe at a kid’s face. What am I suppose to say after that, ‘The notes will be posted on Blackboard’?”
Cuttinggrass was ultimately chosen from Student Association’s carefully selected pool of the five most mild-mannered Teaching Assistants on campus. There were many things that made Cuttinggrass such a tolerable standout: she only emailed her students once that she was changing office hour times, she gave 14 answers out of the 95 study guide questions, and she didn’t look students in the eye when they saw her in the line at Varsity.
“If I could say one last thing, I would like to thank both my lizards, for keeping me company when I had to read professor’s 12-paragraph-long email on how exams should be stapled. Also Dan Peets from the ETS department can eat my shorts”
Bold. Brisk. Breathtaking. These words describe some of the tastiest beers in America. They also describe my stepdad’s unprovoked anger. With so many different beers on the market, it can be difficult to sort through all of the commercials, slogans, and logos to find the best one. But don’t worry, compiled here are the ultimate top 10 beers ranked by how mean they make my stepdad.
10. Yuengling
Yuengling’s iconic American lager has a rich amber color with a medium-bodied taste of cluster and cascade hops. The creamy aroma contributes to the beer’s distinctive caramel maltiness with just a tinge of sweetness that leaves my stepdad walking to the nearest gas station for more. When I see a bunch of empty Yuengling cans on the front lawn, I know … I’m going to be sad tonight.
9. Rolling Rock
There’s nothing like an ice-cold, crisp Rolling Rock on a hot day. It’s flavorful with a subtle bite. This perfect blend of pale barley malt, rice, and corn make for the worst combination of yelling, swearing, and falling over in the living room when my stepdad gets ahold of these bad boys. Every now and then, I’ll see my mom dump of few cans of Rolling Rock down the kitchen drain after my stepdad falls asleep.
8. Narragansett
Few beers have the cult following of this earthy lager. Narragansett contains a strong flavor with a crisp aftertaste that will make you say, “Holy cow”. This is exactly what I said when my stepdad broke our entertainment center after the Jets lost in overtime. There really is no feeling quite like sitting back with a Narragansett and watching a television held up by an overturned laundry basket.
7. Coors Light
Coors Light will always have a special place in my stepdad’s heart since it was the last beer he had before he went into cardiac arrest. The refreshing, steely taste is so thirst quenching that I watched my stepdad crack one open on the drive back from the hospital.
6. Miller High Life
This bubbly, mildly fruity beer is the self-proclaimed “Champagne of Beers” and it’s perfect for almost any celebration. I assume this is why my stepdad drank a couple 40s of Miller High Life on his 5th anniversary while my mom cried in the bathroom. This is probably the most unpretentious beer on the market, and probably the reason why my mom and stepdad started spending their anniversaries at home in separate rooms.
5. Pabst Blue Ribbon
Pabst Blue Ribbon (or PBR for short) is nothing but strong, smooth, and silky. The dry finish adds surprising dimension to the beer. I had to tell my mom I accidentally “fell” out of the second story window, but I’m pretty sure she knew the real culprit – the deliciousness of Pabst Blue Ribbon – and my stepdad’s perpetual tendency to use violence to express his emotions.
4. Heineken
One time my stepdad traded his 2001 Chevy Aveo for a set of Ninja Stars. Even after he lost all of them, I had to get a ride from my neighbors to go to school every morning. Kids in my class started calling me “the hitchhiker” even though I asked them to stop. This beer is also good.
3. Budweiser
Budweiser isn’t just a beer. It can also be a projectile if you walk in front of the TV while your stepdad is watching Smokey and the Bandit 2. America’s favorite husky and mellow beer really can pack a wallop.
2. Keystone
Imagine this. You’re relaxing on a warm summer night. You crack open a lean Keystone Light. You say that your friend Mark is going to sleep in your stepson’s bedroom for just a few days while your stepson has to sleep in the attic next to the Christmas decorations. Mark is scary. After a week and a half, your stepson gets his room back and it’s filled with the smooth, elegant aroma of delightful Keystone Light.
1. Natural Light
Finally, the golden beer with tart undertones that gives you the courage to risk getting arrested in a Walmart for shoplifting. Natural Light is easy to drink and enjoy. Almost as easy as it was for my stepdad to slip two pounds of lamb chops, 5 AA batteries, and a Slim Jim into his Jets sweatshirt pocket I guess. When you want to slug the ultimate thirst-quencher, Natty Light is right there to say, “You aren’t my real son.”
Warning! The following account is totally spine tingling! Syracuse University freshman Jenny found herself in a chilling situation when she accidentally performed the Elevator Ritual in Brewster hall while trying to visit friends. Once she found herself in a hellish parallel dimension she got on her laptop and sent out this cry for help that will give you the chills. You can read her message below. Stay spooktacular, Jenny!
Hi everybody. My name iS Jenny and I want to tell you my story.
Earlier Today, my friend Justin texted me asking me if I wanted to hang out and look over the Constitution. Like anybody Else would, I said yes. Justin liVes on the fourth floor. ImmEdiately after I made plans with Justin, ReBecca texted me asking if I wanted to hang oUt with her and whisper compliments to her plant so it would grow faster and into a beautiful flower. I didn’t want to diSappoint her, so I also said yes. Rebecca lives on the seCond floor. I didn’t know I was this popular, but then Lionel CALLED me, how progressive! I heard a few deep breaths into the phonEand three loud screeches, so I knew he wanted to hang too. He lives on the sixth floor.
I know this is crazy, but then My other friend on the second floor texted me, then a frIend on the tenth, and the fifth. I Was incredibly flustered with all these invites. I gOt in the elevator and didN’t let anybody else in because I had to deeply contemplate what I would do.
First, I pressed The fourth floor, and when it got there I panicked and hit the second floor. Then, I didn’t want to leave the elevator becauSe it was cozy, so I hit the sixth floor to maybe hang with Lionel. I felT a strange feeling about hanging with Lionel today when I reached the sixth floOr, so I hit the second floor, then the tenth floor, then the fifth floor.
I Planned on getting out on the fifth floor when my life changed forever. A young woman entered the elevator. She was dripping green blood. At this moment, I knew what Had happened.
I hAd accidentally performed the elevator ritual while I was just trying to visit some friends.
I was terrified of the woman and started shoUting to make her leave. Unfortunately, shouting the 15th ameNdment did not make her leave. It only made her angrier, which was not cool of her because that was a huge advancement in our country.
I had read about this ritual once, and I vaguely remembered I had to hit the first floor. I knew if the elevaTor ascended to the tenth floor, I will have entered the other world, which is another dimension.
As I went to go hIt the first floor, the young woman followed, giggling, and tried to hit the first floor before me, but I jumped forward and hit it first! We both chuckled at that sweet moment we shared. But then I remembered she was a demon so I stopped. The elevator asceNded to the tenth floor, so I knew the ritual was Going through.
As I was leaving to enter the tenth floor, aka a new dimension, I heard the young woman crying. I felt really bad leaving her. Even though she was a deMon, she seemed to be misunderstood and she must not have many friends. I took a vile of her green blood to always remember Her.
I entered the tenth floor and it was incredibly dark. Nobody was on the floor. I looked out the floor window and it lookEd apocalyptic, and I could only see a red glowing cross in the distance.
I pulled out my Laptop from my backpack and began typing this. The young woman from the elevator has tried FaceTiming me but it would be too Painful for me. The other world isn’t as bad as people say. But, if you guys REALLY want me back in the real world, just shoot me a message. I’d love to hear all about why you want me back. After I get your messages, I’ll make a decision.
Thanks guys!
Love you all, xoxo Jenny
It’s a fact that quirky humor is super sexy. But it’s also a fact that women have a hard time being funny. It’s just not something we were designed for, according to science. Luckily, there’s a quick fix for the humor-challenged ladies out there (which is all of us, am I right? LOL!) – Ironic t-shirts! Here’s a helpful list of tee’s that will quite literally make him cum in his pants the minute he sees you.
(http://www.snorgtees.com/t-shirts/count-dabula)
This shirt is a great – and super hot – way to let your man know that you keep up to date with pop culture references. He’s sure to know how hip and cool you are once he sees you in this shirt. If he doesn’t get a boner after seeing you in this he’s probably gay.
2. “You read my T-Shirt. That’s enough social interaction for one day” from Think Geek ($19.99)
(http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/a69c/)
Not only will this shirt turn on that special guy in your life, but it will also communicate to him that you aren’t one of those overly chatty women who will bore him by speaking. Talking without explicit permission = major boner killer.
3. “If I were an enzyme, I’d be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes” from Snorgtees ($20)
(http://www.snorgtees.com/t-shirts/funny-science/dna-helicase)
Not everyone will understand this shirt (nerd alert!), but the joke is that DNA helicase is an enzyme that unzips DNA during DNA replication, and that genes, biological units of inheritance, sounds like jeans, which is a type of pant people, like men, wear. As they say, smart is the new sexy. Love between two nerds has never been hotter.
4. “Exercise… bacon” from Redbubble (29.50)
This shirt is a great way to let a guy know you’re not like other girls. You don’t care about dieting, you love to eat! Such a cute and quirky trait.*
*For thin girls
5. “My memes are ironic, my depression is chronic” from Redbubble ($29.50)
If looking at this shirt doesn’t bring him to orgasm, I don’t know what will.
Marcus Montgomery was getting on the bus to his apartment while overhearing two girls checking the receipt of the scones they just bought, as if they were going to return them or something. After spending all day in support of the Black Lives Matter movement on campus, the 20-year old freelance photographer had to put headphones on to cancel out the white nonsense. Little did he know that in just a few hours, his latest photo would become a global phenomenon.
“It all just happened so fast really. I’ve been doing this for a while, but nothing like this has ever happened,” he says. Montgomery has been an independent journalist for quite some time now, having been at the forefront of white culture since the beginning of his career. Included among his many acclaimed reports are his articles on “The Cultural Significance of All-Star by Smash Mouth,” “The Importance of a Finsta in the Darty Era ” and his revered two-hour documentary on Doug Bradley, the bro who chugged an entire keg in 10 minutes. But nothing could have prepared him for this profound moment in his distinguished career.
While hanging with his friend Josh Chris around midnight, Montgomery witnessed an unprecedented moment in time. With only a silent whistle and the click of his heels, Josh summoned his friends Dale and Jessie. Josh and his friends were coming in from a night out in the three whitest regions of Syracuse University, respectively: DJ’S, Sig Ep, and Marathon. In an instant Montgomery realized the three of them were wearing flannels, khaki shorts, white socks, and vans, and he knew he needed to capture the scene on camera. Afterwards, he interviewed all three of the guys, with each of having the same response of “I’m in a frat but I don’t like to flaunt it.”
Since the release of the photo, Montgomery has received numerous accolades, including a Nobel Peace Price in Whiteography, a chair in the Board of Directors of the BET Awards, and a VIP ticket to any Beyoncé concert for the rest of his life. “Who knew my peak of black success would be a picture of three white dudes deciding if Calios is the move."
The Kumquat has the sad misfortune to report that Fetty Wap was found dead around 5:30 p.m. today. Fetty Wap was set to be the headliner for the year’s most anticipated event, Juice Jam, but was impeded by the inevitability of death.
According to official reports, Fetty Wap decided to walk the beautiful streets of Syracuse when three tweens, roughly 12-14 came across him. Not recognizing who he was, the tweens forwent robbery in favor of murder and Mr. Wap was brutally stabbed to death on Stratford. It has been confirmed that the tweens in question are the same ones who have recently been terrorizing the streets by mugging people.
Students are enraged Fetty Wap could not perform. They have been trashing him, UU, and sending his family death threats. Dear students, can you not think for once that maybe the artist didn’t show up because he was murdered? How do you feel now?
Fetty Wap was near and dear to all of our hearts at the Kumquat. The words he sung are imprinted in our brains forever.
“I ain’t chasing no pussy, girl I’m talking ‘bout the digits. Big bank rolls in my pockets, all fifties.”
He was one of the wisest of our generations, and although we will never be able to hear him live, he will forever lay buried underneath the Promenade.
Dear Brad, it’s never easy to say goodbye. But as painful as it is to say, you’ve given us no other choice. We respect you enough to try to say this to your face, but the truth is none of us have your contact information so unfortunately this is how it has to be.
No more beating around the bush, it’s time to just say it. Brad, you’re out of The Kumquat. Simply put, you’re just the wrong person to represent our brand. To be totally honest, the a cappella vines you make are worrying. At first we though they were ironic, but now we’re not so sure.
Regretfully, this isn’t your only offense. Your work ethic is – how do we put it – very bad. We’re not even really sure what you contributed in the first place. You may have been accepted as a fluke. Sorry.
Please, do not try to contact us. We don’t think we ever gave you our contact info, but just in case we slipped up we’d just really appreciate it if you didn’t try to talk to us. If you see us around campus, respect our space. A clean break is what’s best for everyone involved. We wish you best in all your future endeavors, and by wish you the best, we mean we wish you the worst.
SUNY-College of Environmental Science and Forestry (ESF) has an excellent record of preparing its students for the rigors of the work force. However, ESF alumni have become more and more dissatisfied with the fact that their ‘real world’ involves painstakingly spending time outdoors, often in wilderness, surrounded by nature.
Because of this, many ESF alum have lost the ability to properly function inside or, if they get a promotion, in an office job. Many say that the skills they took for granted, like typing, water cooler conversations, and attaching documents to e-mails, feel foreign.
Jeff Brubach, a graduate from 2012, has come to deeply regret his college decision because of the harsh realities of his career.
Jeff explained, “If I could go back, I’d warn myself that there is nothing worse than the monotony of the 7 straight days in the back country. I’d say ‘don’t go for the stability and the money, follow your passion kid, before it’s too late.’”
When prompted about what his passion of choice would have been, he didn’t hesitate to respond “telemarketer, or maybe HR rep…definitely should have transferred to the Whitman School of Business at Syracuse University when I had the chance.”
Jeff has started a support group on Facebook titled “The Great Indoors,” where ESF alumni can share photos of themselves playing video games, smoking hookah in a living room, and using indoor plumbing. He asked that we mention that in this article so that others who find themselves down over a life in forests and fields can find help.
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