As Uber in Syracuse continues to be the most revolutionary form of transportation on campus since that one kid that skates on only two wheels, a new feature has been sweeping the streets. Available now during the horniest hours of the nights, a new Uber pool option will be offered exclusively to confused freshmen who failed to get their dick wet from that special someone. Now, freshmen can make it home safe and sound instead of pacing around Ackerman asking themselves if Rachel was really down.
The feature works through multiple phases using never before seen technology. Since phone numbers are already synced to your account, the app quickly searches your phone for any texts or audible phrases in your convo that seem like its about to be a bust. It looks out for phrases like: “Yo whatcha up to?” and “Need some company?” and immediately sends a driver over to anticipate the letdown far in advance.
Once safely in the car, the driver activates the questionnaire function on the app. Questions like: “Did you think that shirt would work?” and “You know your haircut doesn’t make a difference, right?”
These questions help the passenger reevaluate their night and prevent them from having another night of total failure. Once the trip has ended, the driver uses the apps star rating system to judge if the passenger was actually good-looking and deserving of a hookup. At five stars, the passenger is decent after three shots. At one star, the passenger is disgustingly unappealing.
This new Uber function has received rave reviews among users so far and has done much better than the competing app “Lyft Loser.” In the end, the new Uber feature will help thousands of freshman passengers sharing a ride in a Honda Civic slowly realize they’re just truly ugly inside and out.
