Freshmen — Campus — The Kumquat

Freshman year can be scary; I think I know better than anyone. Leaving my adorable little 10-bedroom house for a whole other part of New York might have been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Sharing a bedroom AND a bathroom? I could barely even imagine it. I only knew roughly 12 other people from my social circle coming to Syracuse, and only 9 of us vacationed together in the Hamptons last summer. I felt pretty isolated. I was worried I wouldn’t make the kind of friends I’d always imagined having in college, the kind that end up in ImSchmacked videos. Guys who thought an obscure ‘80s basketball jersey was the same as having a personality. Girls who held each other’s hair back. Guys who knew almost all the words to “Gods Plan.” Girls who looked enough like twins to make it worthy of an Instagram caption. Guys who daged.

That’s when I knew the DJ’s Black VIP Card was right for me.

I mean, EVERYONE goes to DJ’s. And when I say everyone, I don’t mean mostly everyone. I mean EVERYONE. It’s the SPOT. When I watched their ad on Facebook months before enrolling, it was clear to me this wasn’t any old basement bar that smelled like Red Bull, Feet and mango Juul pods. This bar would also accept my shitty Pennsylvania fake with my name spelled wrong. When I realized all this, I didn’t even worry about the $800 fee. I immediately told my mother this card was ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY and also that if she didn’t buy it for me I would drive her BMW into the Hudson river, and guess what? She agreed.

How would I describe my customer experience with the DJ’s Black card? It’s a NEED. With my black card, I’m always a part of the “in crowd”: the name I like to use for the crowd of people waving their VIP cards at haggard bouncers shouting about getting in. With my Black card, if I complain loud enough that I have it, I’m always the first one in. Plus, I can get a spiked seltzer for just $3, and a regular seltzer for $4!

And best of all, I’ve found my friends for life in the group of other freshman who decided to buy a VIP card. You know, the guys who make their Tinder profile pic them holding a red bull vodka pitcher. The guys who tell you they’re a legacy in DKE. The guys with an Astroworld T-shirts. Really just a lot of guys.

Well, thanks to my card, that legacy in DKE gave me a hickey during Mo Bamba. What will your DJs VIP car to for you?

Xoxo,

Jessica Rubenstein

Syracuse University Class of 2022

As Uber in Syracuse continues to be the most revolutionary form of transportation on campus since that one kid that skates on only two wheels, a new feature has been sweeping the streets. Available now during the horniest hours of the nights, a new Uber pool option will be offered exclusively to confused freshmen who failed to get their dick wet from that special someone. Now, freshmen can make it home safe and sound instead of pacing around Ackerman asking themselves if Rachel was really down.

The feature works through multiple phases using never before seen technology. Since phone numbers are already synced to your account, the app quickly searches your phone for any texts or audible phrases in your convo that seem like its about to be a bust. It looks out for phrases like: “Yo whatcha up to?” and “Need some company?” and immediately sends a driver over to anticipate the letdown far in advance.

Once safely in the car, the driver activates the questionnaire function on the app. Questions like: “Did you think that shirt would work?” and “You know your haircut doesn’t make a difference, right?”

These questions help the passenger reevaluate their night and prevent them from having another night of total failure. Once the trip has ended, the driver uses the apps star rating system to judge if the passenger was actually good-looking and deserving of a hookup. At five stars, the passenger is decent after three shots. At one star, the passenger is disgustingly unappealing.

This new Uber function has received rave reviews among users so far and has done much better than the competing app “Lyft Loser.” In the end, the new Uber feature will help thousands of freshman passengers sharing a ride in a Honda Civic slowly realize they’re just truly ugly inside and out.