We’ve all been there. It’s Thursday night, the line for DJ’s is around the corner, and your best friend’s flesh is in that precarious state between slightly spongy and full-on rotten meat. You really want to grab a drink, but as the old adage goes: Hoes don’t decompose! So with that in mind, here are some ways to relocate Ashley’s remains from that line so it doesn’t become a whole to-do…
1. Create a Diversion
While waiting in line, you might begin to hear comments like, “What’s that smell?” or “Why does that girl look like she’s decaying?” That’s when you know its time for action. Pick out a random dweeb in front and offer him five bucks to yell out “Greek philanthropy events are self-serving!” As tens of people move in to correct him, discreetly drag Ashley’s carcass to the nearest Dunkin so she can thaw in a warm, stress-free environment.
2. Pull a Bait-n-Switch
You need to ditch your friend’s remains, but you don’t want to lose your place in line! That’s where the ole’ bait-n-switch comes into play. Find the nearest accounting major whose cold, unfeeling disposition could easily help them pass for your frozen friend and offer her a chance to take your spot in line. Next thing you know she’s the one being accused of causing Marshall Street’s rancid stench while you and Ashley move safely out of harm’s way.
3. Dig a Trench
Syracuse earned its “Salt City” nickname thanks to the dozens of salt mines located right here in Central New York. Recreate that same adventurous spirit those miners had by burying your buddy’s cadaver right there in line. What better way to honor your best friend’s life than by submerging her next to the place that rejected her fake ID for two-and-a-half years? With a shovel and a little elbow grease, DJ’s could add a member to its exclusive R.I.P. club.
4. Light Her on Fire
Body disposals are such a hassle, so why not let nature do the work instead? Strike a match against the fur of Ashley’s Canada Goose jacket and relax as the frozen corpse goes up in flames. You’ll soon be the center of attention, but don’t bask in the spotlight too long: many of those in line have never touched a warm body before. Scamper into that bar before the crowd can desecrate her remains!
5. Take Her into DJ’s With You
Every friendship has its struggles, and no one wants to lose a best friend over something as petty as hypothermia. Ignore the haters and drag Ashley’s carcass inside for one more night of reckless drinking and shameless grinding. And as you end both end your night hunched over the toilet in DJ’s singular stall, you can black out soundly with the knowledge that your friend is truly in a better place.
