Freshman Girl Pledging Sorority “Sees Too Much”, Is Beamed To Distant Galaxy

February 12, 2015 Kum Quat

On her way to relieve herself in her sorority house during pledging this past Tuesday, freshman Donna Brady accidentally stumbled upon something she was never meant to see. Behind the door she assumed was that of the house’s first floor bathroom, sh… — On her way to relieve herself in her sorority house during pledging this past Tuesday, freshman Donna Brady accidentally stumbled upon something she was never meant to see. Behind the door she assumed was that of the house’s first floor bathroom, she witnessed a secret house ritual that has never before been observed by a new member. In our most recent message from Brady, she claims: “It will haunt me for the rest of my life.”
Brady recounts that in the dim light of the room, she could just barely make out the silhouettes of six of the sorority’s sisters. They floated in a tank of what looked like battery fluid, with strange wires plugged into the bases of their necks and frozen smiles on their faces. Brady, paralyzed with fear, remained in the room for only a few seconds before she was struck in the jugular vein with a tranquilizer dart shot from an unknown location.
According to Brady, when she awoke she found herself inside a small capsule on the surface of a foreign planet. After tinkering with the capsule’s communication technology, she was able to find a means of communicating in Morse code to relay her story to the Kumquat. “It may seem like I’ve been out here for only a few days, but gravity is different on this planet. Time moves quickly—while you’ve all been eating breakfast this morning, I have aged 56 years,” our last message reports. “This planet is sparse, but I’ve been able to survive. Despite the suffocating isolation, I still cling to the shred of hope that one day I may be retrieved from this planet and delivered back to the home I once knew.”
When the sorority in question was asked to comment on the situation, a source who has asked to remain anonymous left us with only this: “Brady knew too much, too soon. She had to be silenced.” As of today we have heard nothing from Brady. Our team of astrophysicists estimates that if she were still alive, she would be over 180 years old.

hree surprises greeted Alpha Xi Delta pledge Amy Stevens when she returned to her dorm room Wednesday night: a dozen of her favorite cookies, balloons in all of her favorite colors, and the mummified heart of one of the founding sisters.

Stevens immediately Instagrammed, Facebooked and Snapchatted the collection of gifts with the caption: “Best Big ever! #literallylovemybig.” She was most surprised to find the box of double chocolate chip cookies.

“I never told anyone what my favorite kind of cookie is!” she squealed, jumping up and down with excitement. “I can’t believe my Big knew! I am literally the luckiest Little in the entire world. I don’t know who my Big is but I already love her so much!”

While refreshing Facebook to check how many “likes” the picture had received, a teary-eyed Stevens told The Kumquat, “It is literally such an honor to have received the heart of Mary Lou Thompson. I know how important this is to the sisterhood. It’s just as important to me. I’ve felt a powerful connection to her corpse ever since they took us through the Vaults of Sisterhood on House Tour day.”

When asked about the future of the heart, Stevens said, “I literally cannot wait to pass on the heart of Mary Lou to my own little and keep this tradition alive. I can only dream that one day I will be important enough to have a part of me mummified and passed on for generations.”

For now, the heart will sit on her dresser, next to a paddle she decorated with her own blood.