ESF Alumnus Regrets Not Spending More Of His Youth Indoors

SUNY-College of Environmental Science and Forestry (ESF) has an excellent record of preparing its students for the rigors of the work force. However, ESF alumni have become more and more dissatisfied with the fact that their ‘real world’ involves painstakingly spending time outdoors, often in wilderness, surrounded by nature.

Because of this, many ESF alum have lost the ability to properly function inside or, if they get a promotion, in an office job. Many say that the skills they took for granted, like typing, water cooler conversations, and attaching documents to e-mails, feel foreign.

Jeff Brubach, a graduate from 2012, has come to deeply regret his college decision because of the harsh realities of his career.

Jeff explained, “If I could go back, I’d warn myself that there is nothing worse than the monotony of the 7 straight days in the back country. I’d say ‘don’t go for the stability and the money, follow your passion kid, before it’s too late.’”

When prompted about what his passion of choice would have been, he didn’t hesitate to respond “telemarketer, or maybe HR rep…definitely should have transferred to the Whitman School of Business at Syracuse University when I had the chance.”

Jeff has started a support group on Facebook titled “The Great Indoors,” where ESF alumni can share photos of themselves playing video games, smoking hookah in a living room, and using indoor plumbing. He asked that we mention that in this article so that others who find themselves down over a life in forests and fields can find help.

Dating App For ESF Students Allows Users To Compare Peers To Trees

While girls at the SUNY College of Environmental Science and Forestry have been described as “down to earth,” directly comparing them to trees is an entirely new concept.

Branchout, a new social networking site for ESF students, allows guys to properly express their feelings about women by comparing them to trees and plants.

Modeled after the popular and degrading app Lulu, Branchout allows men to rate women by answering a series of prompts.  Prime examples include: “Does this girl smell more like a sub-alpine fir, cattails, or a ginko tree?” and “If John Muir walked by this girl, he would…

A) sample her needles,

B) turn her sap into syrup to pour on his pancakes,

C) write a poem about her, or

D)  make boards out her in order to build his cabin.”

The app then compiles the answers and gives girls a ratings on a scale of 1 to 10.

Branchout also allows male users to choose from hashtags to accurately describe their female specimen, or create their own.

John Prescott, a junior at ESf, developed “#coveredinlichen,” to describe girls who don’t shave.

Prescott said he wasn’t surprised at all when this hashtag became viral in the ESF community. He’s currently working on a new hashtag, “#belongsinthegreenhouse” for girls who are “immature” or who “just haven’t bloomed yet.”

When asked about how they felt, girls at ESF don’t seem bothered by this new social media phenomenon. Brooke McKenzie, a wildlife science major, affirmed her peers by saying, “In a world where women are often treated like objects, I would much rather be treated like a tree.”

5 Coziest Spots To Get Mugged On Campus

With cold weather and loads of homework on the horizon, there’s no better time than now to go on a lonesome, late night campus stroll. But watch out—you might not be alone! Here are the top five coziest spots to get mugged on campus. 

1. The Rose Garden

Thornden Park is infused with over 100 years of coziness history. From its rustic brick walkways and sprawling amphitheater, to the mysterious public pool, it’s more than easy for a lone wanderer to get lost within himself. But coziest of them all is the Rose Garden, located at the park’s southwest corner. Here, rose vines climb the coziest arbors to ever appear on your ex-girlfriend’s Instagram. Could you think of a cozier spot on the University Hill to call for help with empty pockets as your fresh cuts, bruises, and potentially deep stab wounds seep blood onto that rich, rich soil?  

2. The Store Between BBB and the Housing Project

Lest we forget the bottom of the hill, where nestled between freshmen dormitory BBB and an ambiguous public housing project is a cozy corner store stocked to the brim with Funions, stale Oreo cookies, discounted cigarettes, and the warm sense of home. We couldn’t think of a cozier place to use your older brother’s ID to buy you and your suite mates PBR. But be careful—that cash register is behind plexiglass for a reason! Don’t let your guard down and remember to keep your hands in the air! 

3. Moon Library, SUNY-ESF

Dimly lit? check. 

Musty? check.

This super earthy library is open until 11 on most weeknights, but tread lightly! SUNY- ESF nighttime library dwellers are known to volatile and hungry. They’ll be quick to empty any outsiders’ pockets, and there is no guarantee that they don’t have rabies! 

4. South Campus

From apartment-sized storage container to apartment-sized storage container, this little slice of paradise just south of main campus is perfect for a nice wetland stroll. But if you’re looking for your friend’s 20th birthday rager and get off at the wrong stop, take in a deep breathe of that sweet, southern air, and don’t panic as you circle around building after building, searching for numbers that don’t seem to exist as the battery of your iPhone 5 slowly depletes. Wasn’t it worth that bus ride to be lost in so much coziness?

5. Phi Psi

Located just off campus in a mid-20th century Victorian, it could, at first glance, be mistaken for Grammy’s summer cottage in Newport. But don’t be fooled by the welcoming faces of 20-year-old children clad in oversized sweatshirts and cargo shorts. These guys stay on porch duty 24-hours per day just waiting for one lonely pedestrian to flash a sign of weakness so they can rip the lanyard from one pocket and your wallet from the other.