fraternity — Campus — The Kumquat

Marcus Montgomery was getting on the bus to his apartment while overhearing two girls checking the receipt of the scones they just bought, as if they were going to return them or something. After spending all day in support of the Black Lives Matter movement on campus, the 20-year old freelance photographer had to put headphones on to cancel out the white nonsense. Little did he know that in just a few hours, his latest photo would become a global phenomenon.

“It all just happened so fast really. I’ve been doing this for a while, but nothing like this has ever happened,” he says. Montgomery has been an independent journalist for quite some time now, having been at the forefront of white culture since the beginning of his career. Included among his many acclaimed reports are his articles on “The Cultural Significance of All-Star by Smash Mouth,” “The Importance of a Finsta in the Darty Era ” and his revered two-hour documentary on Doug Bradley, the bro who chugged an entire keg in 10 minutes. But nothing could have prepared him for this profound moment in his distinguished career.

While hanging with his friend Josh Chris around midnight, Montgomery witnessed an unprecedented moment in time. With only a silent whistle and the click of his heels, Josh summoned his friends Dale and Jessie. Josh and his friends were coming in from a night out in the three whitest regions of Syracuse University, respectively: DJ’S, Sig Ep, and Marathon. In an instant Montgomery realized the three of them were wearing flannels, khaki shorts, white socks, and vans, and he knew he needed to capture the scene on camera. Afterwards, he interviewed all three of the guys, with each of having the same response of “I’m in a frat but I don’t like to flaunt it.”

Since the release of the photo, Montgomery has received numerous accolades, including a Nobel Peace Price in Whiteography, a chair in the Board of Directors of the BET Awards, and a VIP ticket to any Beyoncé concert for the rest of his life. “Who knew my peak of black success would be a picture of three white dudes deciding if Calios is the move."

Syracuse University is home to some of the most vibrant Greek life in the Central New York region. But among the scattered houses, one chapter stands out: Alpha Chi Rho.

Affectionately called “Crow,” sporting broken windows covered up with Pink Floyd tapestries, most students at SU have never actually been inside. One in 11 have been there by accident only to wake up in the fetal position outside a Taco Bell in Liverpool.

But during Spring Rush 2014, the brothers turned all that shadiness around. Puppies, reported Crow’s president Dave Cassenti, were the best thing that ever happened to the house. “Our membership has expanded exponentially with each puppy introduced, and we’ve noticed a direct relationship between puppy count and the number of bitches we pull,” said Cassenti. “All around brotherhood is improving.”

The house adopted a small white dog at the beginning of rush this semester, and it’s adorable barks can be heard from the street as the puppy runs in and around broken glass, playfully chewing on week-old Solo cups. Positive reports from third party outsiders are far more common now that the puppy has taken up residence at Crow.

“The only time I partied at Crow last semester I was handed a Four Loko laced with cocaine laced with roofies laced with crocodil and woke up in the hospital with a critical concussion and minor lacerations on my face,” reports Shelby from Day Hall. “But now that they have a puppy, I’m there every Thirsty Thursday!”

Local Delta Kappa Epsilon beer Olympian Josh Lawton agrees. “Crow was mad lame last semester. But now that they have puppies they have definitely been getting the puss, and I can’t help but respect that. Daps to Crow.”

The Kumquat will keep our readers up-to-date with new improvements to this house, but for now we strongly urge you to pay them a visit. Top-tier frats, watch your backs.

*paid for by the PR committee of Alpha Chi Rho*