Ashley was looking for a fun weekend activity while her parents, Jim and Karen, who she lovingly refers to as “Jim and Karen”, were in town. Did she want to go to Denny’s? Turning Stone? All great options, but Ashley decided to kill some time by seeing a movie at Destiny.
One problem though…who wants to support those Hollywood liberals?
“I hate those cucks in Hollywoo-land”, said Jim. “They’re so out of touch with real America. I only like movies that show real man out in the war defending our nation while I sit back with my popcorn and cheer like a nice white cheerleader. You watch that and wonder how anyone could take a knee to my favorite song. My knees are stretched in a nice patriotic recliner watching Saving Private Ryan”
And no, Jim wasn’t talking about “Swish Swish” as his favorite song, but the national anthem. But what about Karen, American housewife and mother?
“Oh I just like watching some calm, female centered stuff like ‘The Help’”, said Karen. “The first half of The Help is amazing til they get all ‘liberated.’ But, you know, Emma Stone was just a darling in that film-”
“-Until she started dancing with that fairy Ryan Gosling,” Jim chimed in. “He’s no Derek Hough. Now that’s a man.”
When they arrived to the theater, Ashley warned them they might have to see something a little more woke for their tastes. She suggested “The Lego Ninjango Movie”, something fun yet socially relevant the entire family could enjoy, but Jim feared those yellow toys were made by those commies in China. If he wanted Chinese food, they would’ve gone to New York City, dammit.
“I just want to see something American Made, like that movie “American Made”. Hey, that Tom Cruise fella is in it! Now he’s a gentleman. No politics, treats everyone with respect, faithful to his religion. And he’s from Syracuse! That’s where we are, right now!”
As Jim wiped away a tear at the pride of his generic daughter’s accomplishments, Karen suggested they go see the film “mother!”, as Karen is Ashley’s mother, and maybe the film will give her some inspiration for a caption come mother’s day.
