The Crouse Hinds money tree has yielded the largest harvest the university has ever seen, Chancellor Kent Syverud announced this week.
Syverud ordered his indentured servant, Otto the Orange, to personally pick each wad of cash from the money tree. Syverud then arranged the money in an elaborate cornucopia and gifted it to Pete Sala, the campus mason. Sala will use the money to fund the administration’s ambitious Campus Framework and Academic Strategic Plan, which will cost approximately 10,000 promenades.
“Blessed be! The money crop was bountiful this season!” Syverud said in an interview with The Kumquat.
When asked why the university still plans to raise tuition if the money tree did well this season, Syverud screamed “burn witch!!!” and attempted to leave the room surreptitiously.
Otto did not respond to multiple requests for comment for this story. After Syverud’s interview, the indentured servant was seen stealing money from the cornucopia, several sources who requested anonymity for fear of being burned at the stake told The Kumquat.
Otto has not been seen since.
The money tree was planted on a sunny day last spring when Syverud pranced down to the lobby of Crouse Hinds in his best tall hat with a belt buckle on it. With the tears of a newly enrolled freshman, he watered the tree seed that would eventually become the financial source for literally every new campus update.
Syverud plans to use the remainder of the money tree harvest to start renovating Ernie Davis Hall.
The Kumquat asks that if you have any information about the whereabouts of Otto the Orange, you contact us immediately.
