By Nic Suarez
The intolerant cancel culture mob has claimed another victim at Syracuse University, and this time, it is one of our most cherished institutions. Hours ago, I received the news that the woke gangsters that run this university have denied Kumquat’s ceremonial request to use the basement in Huntington Hall for Kumquat’s 38th annual Orgy. I’m shocked and disappointed by the university’s bureaucratic nonsense. There is no reason why we would not be able to host our fuckfest other than the meddling of deeply mischievous, woke bureaucrats. It is a criminal attack on not just us, but the entire student body, and it cannot go unchallenged.
A History Lost
The Kent regime does not want you to know this, but I’m gonna tell it like it is. That weird smell in the basement of Huntington is the product of our organization’s proud time-honored tradition of frolicking within our fellow quats’ bodies. By BLOCKING our sacred right, the Syracuse University Deep State has torn the past asunder from the present. Soon, our culture will be gone. We will forget that time Joe Biden defied the odds and became the first law student to win the Stickiest Boy Award™. We will never recall when Donna Shalala shattered our glass ceiling to become the first (and so far only) woman to participate in an official Kumquat orgy, and they certainly don’t want us to remember when Joe Lawlor won the coveted Dion Waiters award. This is not just about having gratuitous sex in a weird part of campus—we are fighting for our history, our people, our motherfucking culture!
A Call to Action
Those in charge cannot take away our rights for simple “bureaucratic reasons.” We have to fight. It’s not enough to have an orgy in our homes—we must reclaim our club’s ancestral homelands with our bodily fluids. If the University won’t make our orgy space accessible to use, we’re gonna bring our orgy space to them! Join us on the quad every Thursday from 8:45 AM to 12:15 PM for our weekly Naked Rage Against the Bureaucratic Machine on the Quad Day (name subject to change)! Remember folks, if they can stop us from having vicious group sex, they will absolutely try to stop you from having vicious group sex!
DEATH TO CENSORSHIP! GLORY TO THE ORGY!
Questions, Comments, Concerns? Fuck you.