5 Toddlers Who Need To Step The Fuck Up And Start Being Full People Already

1. Bryce

This kid thinks he’s such hot shit, what with his counting and his shape recognition and his motor coordination. Big fucking whoop. I can count all the way up to like a hundred million and I can even tell you the difference between a rectangle and a square. This kid thinks he’s hot shit? Try being 8 like me and proving it.

2. Jessi

Jessi’s been really popular ever since her mom made her a really intricate Frozen costume for Halloween this year. First of all, Frozen came out like 6 years ago. Second of all, I made my own Tommy Devito costume with my own jersey that my own parents bought me with their own money. That’s real craftsmanship. That’s real commitment.

3. Jesse

If you thought Jessi was bad, just wait until you realize how much of a dipshit Jesse is. Everyone treats him like some sort of prodigy because he read one of the Amelia Bedelia books by himself when he was sitting out the rock wall playtime because he’s a little ninny. Once he has to read actual books with actual chapters and not full of pictures, then he can keep running his mouth with the big boys.

4. Kimberly

You know those kids that are really nice and polite and everyone just sorta generally loves them? She’s not that. All the big people I know absolutely fucking despise her because she already thinks she’s so grown. Well, how about she stops talking all this smack about how she’s already an assistant at her local dance studio and how everyone there loves her. First of all, again, she’s full of shit. My sister danced there so I get caught up on all the gossip and Mrs. Hairston just told me to “Play along with Kimberly’s game.” Second, you think you’re so good at that whole dance thing? Run the studio. Do it. You won’t.

5. Zack

Zack, my little brother, whatever the opposite of the apple of my eye is. Fuck. This. Kid. He’s 5 and all he does is bitch and moan about not being able to do anything because he’s 5, but then whenever I try to get him to help me with my chores he claims he doesn’t have to do them because he’s 5. That’s bullshit. I had to put all the toys away all the time when I was younger, so when Zack started getting older I made sure to get him a bunch of toys so that he’d feel the pain of putting everything away. Now, my parents are like “It’s on you to set the example and clean up for him.” How the hell does that work? Shouldn’t he have to do what I did? Zack, like all these other jabronis, needs to grow the fuck up and start being a full person already.

BOOva-Ring! 5 Spooky Contraceptives For a Festive Halloween Monster Mash

1.BOO-va Ring

Despite its ominous name, there’s nothing scary about this contraceptive! This little poltergeist will guard that cervix with his life. No need to worry about a daily pill again; the spirit of this ring will live on for a month’s time.

2. Ghost Condom

Let’s say you’ve got a dick. First of all, gross. Second of all, consider trying to the ghost condom instead! You won’t even know it’s there.

3. Vampire Dental Dam

These extra-strength dental dams can’t be cut by the sharpest of fangs! Flavors such as “blood” make this product super safe, helping your thirsty lover control themselves even in the most intimate of situations. 

4. Werewolf Birth Control

That time of the month again? Werewolf birth control can help, mitigating symptoms such as PMS (Pre Moon Syndrome), scratching, and hair growth.

5. Hex-planon

This implant will add a little bit of magic to your life. Extra estrogen will strengthen your spells and divination abilities. Become a little less bitchy during your periods and a little more witchy!

Baby Monitors Not Just For Babies: The Top 3 People Who Are Also Fun To Listen To While They Sleep!

Mothers use them to care for their tiny tots, but mindless infants can’t provide the entertainment that these colorful characters can!

1. Stepbrother Kevin
He just moved in to the room right next to yours. Not sure of his motivations or intent? Feel like he’s planning to kill you and take your place in your dad’s heart? A baby monitor will let your mind be at ease, while also allowing you to enjoy his superior taste in music!

2. My Freshman Year Roommate
At first, her quirky habit of gnashing her teeth in her sleep annoyed me. I could practically hear her bones being ground to powder all night. I got used to it soon enough, but then I started to actively enjoy it. The rhythmic chomping would lull me to sleep, like a heartbeat would for a puppy. Now, I can’t seem to get a restful night in without it. Recommend 100%!

3. Clint Eastwood
Once a gun-slinging icon, now a decaying sack of bones! No one can really snore quite as much as he can, and if you listen very closely, he will quote some of his iconic films such as Trouble With The Curve (2012) and Honkytonk Man (1982). Once, a dedicated fan even heard him take his four Oscars with him to the bathroom, so the “bed monster wouldn’t take over.” Nice!

DIY: Glam Up Your Old Wisdom Teeth

It’s about that time in life when wisdom teeth are ripped out from skulls in droves. Don’t be like one of those normies and throw out your chompers, turn them into ADORABLE accessories! Here is everything you need:

• Bleach
• Clean Jars
• Craft Wire
• Dissection kit
• Your teeth, of course!

Step one: Ask your local oral surgeon to pull out your teeth, preferably intact, and to let you keep them. Tell them all about your crafting ideas, and maybe they’ll give you a few extras!

Step two: The FIRST thing you should do with your teeth is bleach them. None of that bloody mess on MY crafting station! Just place your teeth in a clean jar and cover them with liquid bleach. Leave them there for at least two hours, or however long you like. Here is what they should look like after this process:

What pearly whites! 

Step three: Decorate! Let those creative juices flow all over you! Here, I used crafting wire to turn my teeth into charms for necklaces, as well as a ring. The tools that come in any basic dissection kit are perfect for shaping the wire to your every need. It is imperative to keep in mind that this is the fun part, and to not let any societal expectations hold you back.

Happy Crafting!

8 Fun Crafts To Do This Fall Break That Will Help You Finally Move Past the Disappearance of Your Infant Son

My beautiful infant son James may have gone missing, but I’m here to share with you my favorite fall crafts that are also perfect coping mechanisms!

1. Autumn Leaf Wreath

Hanging this on your door will welcome autumn to the whole house! If only it was a home and not an empty shell, but decorating for the seasons helps with ‘leaving the past behind,’ as my therapist says.

2. Hand turkeys

A classic craft for Fall Fun- cute and simple enough for any infant! James would have loved this, painting was his favorite activity. I can reclaim the small simple things, like painting, to normalcy. It will help me build a new life.

3. Pile of Leaves

Great for a doorstep, and will even cushion the fall of a sweet baby boy, if he could still play and run. But he can’t.

4. Hand Acorns

James’ small hands would have made perfect little acorns… but I will never see them grow into mighty oaks.

5. Paper plate owl

Maybe if I hung this festive owl by the crib, I would have remembered to lock the window. Oh god, James, this is all my fault.

6. Hand spiders

I can sometimes still hear his cry coming from his room… Some days, I can wake up and forget that he was taken away from me, but it all comes rushing back when I go to feed him. I painted his nursery yellow. Yellow is supposed to symbolize security and happiness. Now it just mocks the emptiness in my heart. Every day is a living hell rife with grief and guilt.

7. Leaf pressings

With a little paint, these leaves make beautiful prints after you press them against the paper, just like I used to press my boy against my heart.

8. Hand pumpkins

This adorable little gourd just shouts ‘Fall!’

5 Tips to Help You if Your Decorations Come to Life

We’ve all been there: You spend hours carefully decorating your home for that special holiday, making sure each and every knick knack is in the perfect spot, only for your hard work to become ruined after your decorations become alive. It has become rampant this Halloween season. Mobile and conscious décor can wreak absolute havoc on a household! Should this happen to you, here are some tips that will help you out:

1. Use some cowboy techniques to get back in control!

If your home adornments get out of hand, wrangle them like a cowboy would! You can herd the more docile pieces into a corral to keep them contained while you tackle the bigger and more aggressive displays with your trusty lasso. If you are a little rusty on lassoing, then you can just challenge the alpha decoration to a duel. They have a great deal of honor so they will take you up on the duel and play by your established rules.

2. Steal a page out of the Pied Piper’s book!

Thankfully, most live décor can be soothed with the power of music. They prefer wind instruments over string instruments, but anything will do if your tune is good enough. Make sure to prance out of your house into the nearest forest while playing your instrument to relocate your decorations. If you do not live near a forest, most sewers will do. Once you get far enough away from your home, place the instrument on the ground and back away slowly. The pests will sure want to examine the instrument, giving you just enough time to ditch them.

3. Go undercover!

Sometimes it is best to do a job from the inside. Wear a silly mask or gaudy wreath on your head to fit in with the decorations. Act just like they do and mirror their actions. Once they forget that you are not one of them, strike. Seize control of the pack by beating the alpha into submission, then recite a moving speech that will inspire the rest into following you. At this point, you have an army of slaves that will do as you command.

4. Rap battle!

One way to defeat the sentient décor is to challenge the aforementioned alpha to a rap battle. This tip is a little riskier because if the alpha realizes that they do not have a voice box or lungs to rap with, they will become offended by your challenge and eat your children (or pets). However, once both of you shake hands to battle, you only need the simplest rhyme to conquer to alpha.

5. Befriend them!

Have you ever stopped to think how cool it is that your decorations are alive? The last strategy is to just ‘roll with it’ and befriend your decorations! Offer the alpha a strand of your hair (this can be from any part of your body) and compliment their color. You will immediately gain their trust and love so be careful with their hearts. A friendship so unique and rare should be treasured. Be compassionate, honest, respectful, and make sure they know you appreciate them. In time you will form an unbreakable bond with your decorations and they will be with you through thick and thin.

7 Sex Positions That Will Certainly Not Work on an XL Twin Bed so Don’t Even Worry About it

1. The Bricklayer

The woman puts her chest on the bed and spreads her legs as much as possible while the man positions himself… okay well… maybe if we just… I don’t think this one is going to work on this XL twin bed. The minimal space does not really lend itself for this kind of thing.

2. The Sinking Titanic

Alright here we go. The woman lies on her back and holds the back of her knees to her chest. The man faces the opposite direction of his partner facing downwards. Now the man enters slowly and… ah jeez. Maybe just turn a little bit? Closer but I’m not sure if… is this it? Does that feel right? Maybe we can try this one later?

3. Reverse Moroccan Nightmare

Oh boy. This one looks tough. The man puts his hands on the ground and lays his torso at a 45 degree angle facing downward. The woman slides her… oh wow. I’m not so sure about this. Maybe if we move the desk next to the bed? No? Just unplug everything in the outlet and put the lamp somewhere. The closet I guess? Somewhere safe. Now move the cup of pens! Oh shit. Don’t worry about it, I will pick them up later. So I guess we… Christ can we just move onto the next one?

4. The Herb Alpert

No. Fuck that. Next?

5. The Stretch Limo

Nope.

6. The 2002 Bobsled Accident

How do you.. where is my…? This is not gonna happen.

7. The St. Louis Crop Duster

Ow! I think I just twisted my ankle! Goddamn it. My ankle hurts like a bitch. I am done. Is there one where I can just lie down the whole time? I will not go to yoga just to have sex. Let’s just finish that episode of Mad Men and call it a night.

Despite the Fact You Never Took a Quiz, You are Kevin from The Office and You Know Why

You got Kevin!

You and Kevin have a lot in common, but there is one particular reason that you are Kevin. If not for that reason, we probably would have given you Stanley or maybe Meredith. Hell, Oscar was a close 4th. But there is that one reason which makes you Kevin. Do not fight us on this. You got what you deserve. We chose not to tell everyone the reason and you are welcome. It does not matter if you think you are a Pam or Jim or Bob Vance from Vance Refrigeration. It does not matter if you have never seen The Office. Guess what? You are Kevin. You can accept it, or you can deny it. Still, you are Kevin. You have always been Kevin. You will always be Kevin. Get used to it, Kevin.

5 Gross Habits I Do That I Bet None of You Actually Do

1. Picking the grime out of my fingernails and sprinkling it onto my food for seasoning. 

This is pretty gross but I seriously do this, don’t even act like you do this too.

2. Sneaking into the kitchens of restaurants and licking the excess food off of plates.

There is absolutely NO WAY that you do this so don’t even pretend. Don’t even share this article. You have no idea.

3. Not showering for 2 weeks and then rubbing hand sanitizer all over my dirty spots.

This is disgusting. I even feel gross doing it, but I do it. All the time. I know that you don’t.

4. Spilling condiments on my shirt and sucking them out of the threads.

I don’t care if it’s mustard, ketchup, mayo, or whatever. I do this so I can satisfy my taste buds, AND get the stain right outta my shirt! I’ve never witnessed anybody else do this, so there is absolutely no way that you have. Don’t share this article acting like you have because that would just be lying.

5. Licking the keyboards of computers in public libraries.

I don’t even know why I do this one. I guess it’s just a little quirk I have. And there’s absolutely no fuckin’ way you do this too. Don’t take this from me, okay? This is my thing.

Thanks for reading and please DON’T share unless you want everyone to know you’re a damn liar.

Local Man Says Wonder Woman Was Just “okay”, Gets Stabbed in the Neck with a Hot Topic Pin

SYRACUSE, NY– After watching justice get dished out on the big screen at Destiny USA’s screening of Wonder Woman on Thursday, local film connoisseur Greg Norton had his own personal brand of justice thrust upon him in the form of a feminist gang attack behind the theater’s parking lot. After rumors surfaced that Norton thought the awe-inspiring film was “just ok”, attackers began to pummel the man with a beat-down the Amazing Amazonian would surely be proud of.

“We knew we had to do something”, said longtime female justice warrior Gert Adams, shortly after grabbing her pastel colored rose pin from Hot Topic and stabbing Greg in the neck, “because if this kind of slander becomes acceptable in today’s society, then we are no better than the vile monsters Ms. Woman was so gracefully defeating in the film.” Adams later mentioned that she began to plan the attack with her fellow sisters around the movie’s thirty-minute mark, when Norton casually remarked that lead actress Gal Gadot was really hot.

Finally, after catching Norton glance at his cell phone multiple times during a critical scene and not even attempt to give a standing ovation, the ladies decided they had seen enough. They began to assail in waves, moving in quickly after group leader Becky Pederson clotheslined Norton once he turned the corner into the parking lot. Norton squealed like a stunned cow before a slaughter, but it was too late to stave off the blows of the angry moviegoers, who ironically seemed to be landing strikes with near superhuman strength.

The police department eventually arrived after receiving word of Norton’s distress, and somewhat reluctantly arrested several of the women who participated in the assault, noting that if their roles were reversed, they probably would have whooped his ass too. Before he meekly limped away to his 1993 Toyota Supra, we were able to catch up with the battered man, who simply said he regretted attending the film, and that he’d better cancel his plans to see Reese Witherspoon’s romantic comedy Home Again before his attackers were released.

Crisis: A Barista Handed Me A Drink and Said “Amelia, That’s For You!” With Such Confidence That I’m No Longer Sure Whether My Name Was Ever Erica

Erica Thompkins, SU Sophomore.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays I like to stop by a local coffee shop to grab a triple ristretto upside-down soy salted caramel latte-macchiato before my 8am lecture. It’s always packed, and they never get my name right. Usually it’s just “Erika” instead of “Erica,” but when the barista handed out my signature drink (complete with a design in the foam) and belted out “Amelia, that’s for you!” with Earth-shaking confidence and authority, I was certain I was the one who was mistaken all these years, and my name had always been Amelia.

Of course, after I came to my senses, I called my parents to ask them what they named me, but they must not have been home at the time, or perhaps they aren’t my parents but the parents of someone I once knew named “Erica.” If you know me, please reach out to me and help me figure this out.

Amelia Thompkins is a Sophomore Warehouse Lighting Design Major. She was interviewed by The Kumquat on September 20th, 2017.

Top 5 Songs About How X Gon Give It To Ya

Hey Kumsters! You asked for it and we’re “gon’ give it to ya” – a definitive ranking of the top five songs about how X Gon’ Give It To Ya!

5.) Despacito – Luis Fonsi & Daddy Yankee

Most people don’t know this, but the song of the summer is, in fact, about how X gon’ give it to ya! This record-breaking tune has found its way into households worldwide and spread the message that X is definitely gon’ give it to ya. If you didn’t notice the meaning of the song at first, you’re not alone! In fact, the Spanish term “X-pacito” was incorrectly translated to “Despacito” – but still, the message that X gon give it to ya lives on!

4.) Concerto No. X – Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Dating back to 1776, Mozart’s tenth concerto is the first song ever confirmed to be about how X gon’ give it to ya. There is, of course, speculation that Neanderthals used the world’s first instruments to communicate to each other that X gon’ give it to ya, but we have no way of knowing for sure. This piece serves as the inspiration behind Mozart’s iconic line from the movie Amadeus, “X gon’ give it to ya! And do the crazy frog!”

3.) Ex’s and Oh’s – The Kidz Bop Kids

The casual listener might think Elle King’s 2015 smash hit is about the orgasms that only an ex-boyfriend’s throbbing member can give. However, in this version, the innocent and youthful voices of the Kidz Bop Kids make it very clear that that titular “Ex” is actually X and the “Oh’s,” of course, mean “Gon’ Give It To Ya.”

2.) X Gon’ Give It To Ya – DMX

Of all the songs about how X gon’ give it to ya, this one is indisputably the most direct. Modern poet DMX mentions that X gon’ give it to ya so many times it borders on comical – but who would write an extensive piece where the only joke is saying “X gon’ give it to ya” a bunch of times? Talk about dumb. Don’t forget the legendary intro to this song, where DMX raps, “Hi I’m X and I’m here to say, I’m gon’ give it to ya in a major way!” Who’s gon’ give it to ya? X is. Don’t forget it.

1.) The Alphabet Song

Was there ever really any doubt that this would be number one? This is the very first song every child learns and, of course, it’s about how X gon’ give it to ya (since “Y” means “it” and “Z” means “ya”). Its infectious melody and educational benefit shoot this classic tune right to the top of this list. X, whatever you’re giving, give it to us next! See you next time Kumsters, when we’ll rank the top 1000 songs about the boys being back in town!

I Wrote an Obituary for Macaulay Culkin, and Even Though It Was a Hoax, I’ll be Damned if I Let it Go to Waste

  When I found out Macaulay Culkin passed away, I was utterly devastated. As one of America’s finest child actors, his death blindsided is all. To stand in solidarity, I decided to write an obituary that would help America process their loss.

         A short time after I drafted the obituary, I found out the death was just an online hoax. I was even more surprised. Was I relieved? Of course. However, I really put a lot of time into his obituary. I don’t like to “toot my own horn” but it is a pretty fucking solid obituary. Even though Macaulay is very much alive, I have decided to post it for everyone to read now. If you want to come back to this obituary once Mr. Culkin’s fateful final day comes to a close, it would be much appreciated. But for now, feast your eyes on this sweet introduction and you’ll know why I posted this bad boy.

        “Macaulay Culkin’s death hit me harder than a paint can to the forehead. Wham! A young Spencer Tracy? Perhaps. A major influence in the American film industry? Likely. Our nation’s sweetest yet most devious little movie menace? Definitely.” 

         You see, I just love the paint can line. Sometimes words just rush into your head and you have to scribble them down as quickly as you can. Was it Macaulay speaking to me from beyond the grave? Well I guess it wasn’t after all, but it was clearly something spiritual.

         “We all remember where we were when we watched Home Alone for the first time. I saw it on TBS in 2009 at my aunt’s house in Albany. I missed the first 30 minutes or so, but the picture was so artfully crafted I quickly figured out what had basically happened.” 

           I probably should’ve majored in English or journalism or something with words. Also, apparently Home Alone came out in 1990? Who knew? Luckily the movie is as timeless a film as any other suspense thriller to come before or after it.

          “The blonde bad boy with a pure heart won me over right then and there. Every snarky remark was a gold nugget in a treasure chest of comedy gold. Macaulay Culkin could do more with a wink or a raised eyebrow than most actors could do with an entire performance. How will we remember Macaulay? We shall remember him as the perfect yet fleeting reflection of America’s sense of hope and integrity.”

           I can’t wait to finally watch Home Alone 2. It’s been on my list for so long. Maybe I could update my obit when Mac kicks the bucket for real! My portfolio is going to look great. Does anyone know how Haley Joel Osment is doing? My Sixth Sense is tingling!

The Vice Presidential Debate Perspective America Needs to Read

The most important debate of the election season is upon us. The Vice Presidential Debate seeks to illuminate who of two men can tackle the behemoth task of replacing Joe Biden. We never admit it but we as a nation expect a lot from the office of Vice President. An astonishing New York Times survey of what Americans want from an ideal vice president align exactly with a Cosmopolitan survey of what high school seniors expect from their ideal prom date: he will make all our dreams come true, my parents won’t approve of him, and he will be DTF. Well, we at The Kumquat have noted these similarities between Your Dream Prom Date and Your Dream Vice President, and have tracked down the sources who will be able to give the most precise prediction of how these men will perform in the second highest office in the land. Below are the unedited statements of the prom dates of Mike Pence and Tim Kaine.

Denise Howard:

In math class, he tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I had a date to prom yet and I said no. He looked me up and down, nodded, and said, “Yeah. Sounds about right. Would you want to go with me? I think you could be the white girl for me.” I asked him if he had meant to say “the right girl”. He blinked three times, which in the 70s in rural Indiana, was a very provocative thing to do, and walked away. Mike and I electric slid our way to Prom King and Queen. Unfortunately, there was all this hullabaloo about us being cousins, which we WEREN’T, we were second cousins, so we couldn’t receive the honors. Our high school wasn’t going to go through THAT again. Would I vote for him? Sure, he was a perfect gentleman. Barely laid a finger on me all night and when he did, he kind of grimaced like he was touching a dead fish. After we lost the crown, he spent a large portion of the night in the bathroom with his friend Chip. A very loyal and trusting friend. He’s got my vote.

Penny Poopsy:

Poopsy. Yes. It’s my legal name. No, I didn’t have a lot of friends in high school. But I did have Tim Kaine. Tim could have asked any girl in Overland Park, Kansas, but he asked the girl with the fecal last name. Because that’s just the kind of guy Tim is. When “Your Song” by Elton John came on, Tim was over performing a card trick for a pack of orphaned stray dogs whom he had lured into the back of the gym with a bag of Cheetos. I was beginning to fear I wouldn’t get the slow dance I had always dreamed of at my prom. But suddenly, a hand coated with Cheeto dust tapped my shoulder and asked me to dance. His fuzzy brows pointed us onward, toward the dance floor and into the vast horizon that was the rest of our lives. I fell deeply in love with him that night. Vote for him? Yes. Every day. For the rest of my life.

Now that you’ve been educated, America, the choice is yours. Please watch tonight. And while watching, keep in mind, which of these two candidates would remember the corsage.

Why Blue Man Group Lives Matter

Elections are seasons are always fraught with hot topics and debates, and this year is no exception. But there’s been one movement in particular that’s becoming steadily harder and harder to ignore. It cries out to the masses and demands to be heard. Silence isn’t an option anymore; it’s time to make a difference. It’s time to talk about why Blue Man Group Lives Matter.

People disparage the Blue Man Group Lives Matter movement for several reasons. They give inane arguments claiming that the Blue Man Group has no regard for the humanity of their audience. Yes, there have been videos taken of the Blue Man Group screaming at certain members of the audience and then brutally beating them, but the videos don’t capture the entire story. They exclude the most crucial part. The audience members in the videos were being disruptive and not adhering to the rules of the show. The fact that they were beaten and taken out of the theater was their own doing.

It’s honestly heartbreaking to see people hate on the Blue Man Group. Everyday, they leave their beautiful families at home to spend hours rehearsing, risking their LIVES. And America has the gall to criticize them just because of a few instances of necessary violence. The Blue Men don’t have to do what they do, but they paint their bodies and drum because they care about us. They want us to feel safe and protected in the sounds of their drumming and with paint splashing onto our faces.

The Blue Man Group represents this nation’s core ideals. Since their founding in 1991 they have been making our country great. Disrespecting the Blue Man Group is disrespecting America. Talk about it, tweet it, do whatever you can. #BlueManGroupLivesMatter

Election Season 2016: Millennials Lay Groundwork But Fail to Follow Through

This election season, we millennials have achieved what everyone said was impossible. Several months ago, many thought a grassroots movement like this would amount to nothing. We have made great strides, but there is still a looming issue. Voter turnout is still too low.

With the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards happening just hours from now, our willingness to continue to campaign is crucial.

We have gotten our candidates national attention against all odds, but now we are failing them when it comes to polling. Young voters have worked too hard to get Ross Lynch of Austin and Ally, Zendaya, and even Dance Moms on the ballot and see no success. Are we just going to sit passively by as Cake Boss beats Chopped Junior for Favorite Cooking Show?

It’s more important now than ever that we get out and vote. Don’t let the fear of being slimed when you push that big red button to select Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip for Favorite Animated Movie hold you back. Older generations have been putting us down about this upcoming election for months. They say our favorites are unsustainable with unattainable goals. To that I say that sparkling orange blimp will end up on the right side of history if we push through.

Let us not falter on the eve of the most important and formative day of the year for our country. It’s time our voices be heard. It’s time we mobilize a generation. It’s time to slime.

Replacing Justice Scalia: Cuse Students Share Their Thoughts

The recent loss of beloved Supreme Court Judge Justice Scalia means that there’s a big decision to be made — who is going to fill his seat in the United States Judicial System’s elite squad?! We took it to snapchat to ask the students of Syracuse University who they think should replace the passed judge.

Courtney Baker, Freshman

Courtney must be happy with our current commander-in-chief, as she wants to see him take the court! When progress comes, we can all say “Thanks Obama!”.

Justin Smith, Senior

Our buddy Justin here wants a Supreme Court Justice who will be dedicated to the United States “always”. He’ll be able to turn to page 392 of the constitution.

Peggy Thompson, Senior

The Supreme Court isn’t just about making constitutional decisions, it’s about looking fabulous while doing it!

Kyle Jacobs, Sophomore

Maury has already made hundreds of wise, life-changing decisions. Who is more prepared to take his wise judgment to the Supreme Court? America, you are not the father!

Beth O’Brian, Junior

Change is hard, so why do it? Let’s just let Scalia keep his seat, as even his now withering corpse has a greater understanding of the constitution than most Americans.

13 #PopeSelfies That Prove God Exists

1) We all know the new pope is BAE

2) I mean, this face could only have been sculpted by god. #cuteaf

3) He knows how to rock an outfit, even though he is a #outfitrepeater

4) Yes! Work that hat bitch!!!

5) I have no words for this public domain picture. What a BAE

6) Squad Goals (copyright Taylor Swift, please don’t sue us)

7) He’s just like us. Sometimes he doesn’t feel like putting on makeup in the morning!

8) He knows how to accessorize #thatgoldhat

9) Oh crap. Guys, I just realized that the picture two up is Pope Benedict XVI

10) Okay what’s important to remember is that ANYONE could have made that mistake. All I can do is ask for your sincere forgiveness and move on.

11) Wow! Look at this high quality picture of the Pope! He looks so— okay I’m sorry guys I just feel like things are still tense. Have you forgiven me? I’m freaking out a little bit.

12) Okay. I hope I’m not annoying you guys. Like are we cool? Please comment on this post with if we are cool or not. Even a simple yes will do. Please guys? I really need this job

13) Even if you don’t forgive me, just leave a comment. You can rip me apart if you want, I just want to know where we stand. Our relationship is important to me.

You know what, actually, rude and mean comments WILL BE BANNED. Anyone could have made the mistake I did. It’s not my fault all the popes look the same.

You Won’t Believe What Hillary’s New Campaign Strategy Is!

After Marco Rubio announced his presidential candidacy yesterday, the Clinton Campaign has grown increasingly wary of his youthful face and its potential to win over millennial voters. In an attempt to reach this crucial demographic, Hillary Clinton has reformed her campaign strategy to include one of the most influential methods of capturing the attention of these flighty young adults—clickbait. The Kumquat has compiled a list of some of her recently released material.

“How To Create 2,000,000 Jobs (and Look Like You’re Not Even Trying)!”

“Hold The Phone!! What Kind of Invasion of Privacy Happened Now?!”

8 Totally Wild Health Care Reform Hacks You’ve Never Heard Of!”

“Inspiring! This Video Will Show That You Actually Never Understood The Complexities Of The Arab Spring!”

Presidential Candidacy? You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next! (World Domination)”