Bryce
This kid thinks he’s such hot shit, what with his counting and his shape recognition and his motor coordination. Big fucking whoop. I can count all the way up to like a hundred million and I can even tell you the difference between a rectangle and a square. This kid thinks he’s hot shit? Try being 8 like me and proving it.
2. Jessi
Jessi’s been really popular ever since her mom made her a really intricate Frozen costume for Halloween this year. First of all, Frozen came out like 6 years ago. Second of all, I made my own Tommy Devito costume with my own jersey that my own parents bought me with their own money. That’s real craftsmanship. That’s real commitment.
3. Jesse
If you thought Jessi was bad, just wait until you realize how much of a dipshit Jesse is. Everyone treats him like some sort of prodigy because he read one of the Amelia Bedelia books by himself when he was sitting out the rock wall playtime because he’s a little ninny. Once he has to read actual books with actual chapters and not full of pictures, then he can keep running his mouth with the big boys.
4. Kimberly
You know those kids that are really nice and polite and everyone just sorta generally loves them? She’s not that. All the big people I know absolutely fucking despise her because she already thinks she’s so grown. Well, how about she stops talking all this smack about how she’s already an assistant at her local dance studio and how everyone there loves her. First of all, again, she’s full of shit. My sister danced there so I get caught up on all the gossip and Mrs. Hairston just told me to “Play along with Kimberly’s game.” Second, you think you’re so good at that whole dance thing? Run the studio. Do it. You won’t.
5. Zack
Zack, my little brother, whatever the opposite of the apple of my eye is. Fuck. This. Kid. He’s 5 and all he does is bitch and moan about not being able to do anything because he’s 5, but then whenever I try to get him to help me with my chores he claims he doesn’t have to do them because he’s 5. That’s bullshit. I had to put all the toys away all the time when I was younger, so when Zack started getting older I made sure to get him a bunch of toys so that he’d feel the pain of putting everything away. Now, my parents are like “It’s on you to set the example and clean up for him.” How the hell does that work? Shouldn’t he have to do what I did? Zack, like all these other jabronis, needs to grow the fuck up and start being a full person already.