SYRACUSE, NY– After watching justice get dished out on the big screen at Destiny USA’s screening of Wonder Woman on Thursday, local film connoisseur Greg Norton had his own personal brand of justice thrust upon him in the form of a feminist gang attack behind the theater’s parking lot. After rumors surfaced that Norton thought the awe-inspiring film was “just ok”, attackers began to pummel the man with a beat-down the Amazing Amazonian would surely be proud of.
“We knew we had to do something”, said longtime female justice warrior Gert Adams, shortly after grabbing her pastel colored rose pin from Hot Topic and stabbing Greg in the neck, “because if this kind of slander becomes acceptable in today’s society, then we are no better than the vile monsters Ms. Woman was so gracefully defeating in the film.” Adams later mentioned that she began to plan the attack with her fellow sisters around the movie’s thirty-minute mark, when Norton casually remarked that lead actress Gal Gadot was really hot.
Finally, after catching Norton glance at his cell phone multiple times during a critical scene and not even attempt to give a standing ovation, the ladies decided they had seen enough. They began to assail in waves, moving in quickly after group leader Becky Pederson clotheslined Norton once he turned the corner into the parking lot. Norton squealed like a stunned cow before a slaughter, but it was too late to stave off the blows of the angry moviegoers, who ironically seemed to be landing strikes with near superhuman strength.
The police department eventually arrived after receiving word of Norton’s distress, and somewhat reluctantly arrested several of the women who participated in the assault, noting that if their roles were reversed, they probably would have whooped his ass too. Before he meekly limped away to his 1993 Toyota Supra, we were able to catch up with the battered man, who simply said he regretted attending the film, and that he’d better cancel his plans to see Reese Witherspoon’s romantic comedy Home Again before his attackers were released.
