Fall is fully underway, and as the leaves change color, so should your entire personality. This includes your style; gone are the swim trunks and open-toed shoes and in is everything remotely resembling a ballsack. Thatās right, scrotal style is in for this fall, and we at the Kumquat know all the best gonad garments and accessories. So donāt drop the ball before your balls drop; here are the Kumquat recommendations for the best scrotum-centric stylings for this Fall.
Scrote Tote
What: Accessories- Bag
Where: J. Crew
Cost: $5-$500
Some would call it basic, some would call it cliche, some would call it weird that one would buy a tote bag that looks like the oldest pair of balls on the oldest man youāve ever seen naked in a gym locker room, but we would call it art. Scrote totes are back, baby, and they are more stylish and droopier than ever before. We recommend shopping at J.Crew for the best scrote totes; their recent collaboration with Balenciaga and the American Male Society Against Testicular Cancer means they have a plethora of hot designs. Plus, J.Crewās new anti-ballbusting warranty means if the seam holding your two testy tote pouches snaps, cracks, or pops, you get a free replacement tote for up to 69 years. But honey, the scrotal style does not just stop at the bag; you need to become one with the sack.
Teabag Glasses
What: Accessories- Eyewear
Where: J. Crew
Cost: $112 + $666 in shipping fees
Famous designer Giorgio Armani once said: āthe human face is most stunning when a pair of balls is being slowly dragged on top of it.ā And J. Crew understood the assignment. Using the finest lenses known to man and then covering them with the testicles from the corpse of a random dead dude, J. Crew has created the first-ever sunglasses to perfectly mimic the sights and feel of getting teabagged by a pair of gorgeous gonads. You will look so sexy wearing these as you run into every tree and mailbox because even you are blinded by your own beauty. J. Crew is not responsible for any self-sustained injuries one has as a result of wearing these glasses.
Corduroy Parachute Pants (Also They Look Like A Pair Of Nuts)
What: Garments - Trousers
Where: J. Crew
Price: $7
Thereās a reason why parachute pants have always been the most stylish type of pants: they kinda look like a sag-tastic sack already. J. Crew put their balls to the wall when designing these pants and realized everyone was designing parachute pants wrong, and so, their FW22 collection showcases how parachute pants should be made:
With corduroy because if your balls arenāt itching, then you arenāt serving.
Fully embrace parachute pantsā family jewelsā pouch potential.
Using over 20 pounds of corduroy per pair of pants, J. Crew has included intricate details in the garment that convince even the most stubborn of skeptics that scrotal pants can be sexy. Each pair of pants comes with uniquely stitched corduroy veins and even little corduroy lumps that you can examine. Put all three of these scrotal masterpieces together and thereās no doubt that the balls of Fall will be in your court.
So pick up your scrotal styles before itās too late. By the way, this is not a sponsored article; we just really like J. Crew.