So you’re alone on V-day. Today is either meaningless or deeply, crushingly personally offensive to you, but don’t fret! You may not experience the joys of love and intimacy but you can maximize your alone time in shared spaces around the ol’ apartment for productivity and dominance over these living spaces while your roommates are off having sex, unlike you.
1. Play Solitaire or Ceiling Chess
With all this extra living room table space, you can finally play a game of solitaire. Solitaire is a single player card game built exclusively for 34 year old IT managers and college students who can’t play beer pong. It’s the perfect excuse to clear the table of UU merch and two half finished jigsaw puzzles and perhaps the occasional flirty, dirty bong. Furthermore, now that table is yours, and no one can mess with it. A perfect way to spend Valentine’s, but that’s not all.
You can also play ceiling chess a la the queen’s gambit! Perhaps our bigger brained readers can relate to this one. As they say, if you can’t find two to tango, you can always play with yourself.
2. Jerk Off
It’s not like they can stop you.
And there you have it! That’s how you can utilize every area of your house while your roommates are away. You can also do any of the above activities in the kitchen, the porch, that weird guest bedroom – the possibilities to assert your dominance over the place you sleep and eat at are endless. If you jerk off in every room in your house, I hear you also get a special prize. We here at the Kumquat hope everyone who has become king of the castle/cards/chess in their roommate’s absence has a terrific Valentine’s day.