One dark and stormy night in a south campus apartment that smelled like soup, a man asked me if it was weird that he kind of wanted to suck on my tits. I was like, “uh, I mean, maybe it’s a little Oedipus-y,” and he responded, “what’s that?”
This experience is indicative of the epidemic of men with mommy issues and the general lack of Greek mythology knowledge on this campus. It’s tough to navigate these breastmilk waters, so I created a guide to get only the highest quality men with mommy issues onto your lap.
1. Be Goth
There’s something about a scary goth bitch with a septum piercing that brings all the boys to the yard. Maybe it’s the heavily eyelinered glare that makes them think you’ll berate and humiliate them just like their mothers.
2. Flaunt Those Mommy Milkers
Self-explanatory.
3. Hang Around Newhouse (Especially TRF Majors)
There’s something about the insecure arrogance of Newhouse men, especially TRF majors, that just SCREAMS mommy issues. Now, these might not be the most high-quality men, but you can have your pick of the bunch if you sexily do your homework in Food.com.
4. Have Some Leadership Positions
Whether it’s being the president of a satirical news club that no one has heard of or the fucking fricken president of SA that no one has heard of, as long as you have some sort of title in your email signature, these men will be blown away by your leadership abilities and accomplishments.
5. Post on Syracuse Missed Connections
You just know all the men with mommy issues refresh that page constantly for the small chance that they will be noticed because their mothers tragically never noticed them or any of their accomplishments growing up. You can be very vague in your submission, and you’ll have so many men clamoring over themselves in the comments at the chance that it’s them. Just submit a little, “The guy with brown hair 😍” and take your pick.
6. Get Buff
Men with mommy issues want to see a woman who looks like she can physically dominate them because they were emotionally dominated by their mothers.
7. Dye Your Hair
Now, this is a little different than the goth suggestion, but the effect is similar. Men with mommy issues tend to like Scott Pilgrim, like the character, not just the movie, because they think that they too are sensitive, misunderstood nice guys who deserve a manic pixie dream girl. Dye your hair red and don’t have any substance, and they will defeat all your exes for you.
8. Ask Men If They Are In Therapy
And dump them if they are. If they are working through those mommy issues, that is no good. You want men to be just aware enough of their issues to seek you out, but not to seek out any professional help that would get them to make healthy choices. He must become entirely dependent on you for his mental, and physical health because you know he can’t take care of himself.
9. Put Him In A Diaper And Burp Him
That’s what all men with mommy issues secretly want. Literally, be his mother.
10. Have Mommy Issues Yourself
What? Having mommy issues yourself to attract another person with mommy issues? That sounds crazy! Actually, being a little vulnerable and sharing your own mommy issues is the best thing to do. This will make him open up emotionally for the first time in his life because he was never able to do that with his own mother, and once he forms this intimate emotional attachment to you, he will be hopelessly devoted to you until some better mommy milkers come around.
Go forth and be hoes, my friends. Manipulate men with serious attachment issues like the queens you are, and only let the best men with mommy issues put your tits in their mouths.