One dark and stormy night in a south campus apartment that smelled like soup, a man asked me if it was weird that he kind of wanted to suck on my tits. I was like, “uh, I mean, maybe it’s a little Oedipus-y,” and he responded, “what’s that?”

This experience is indicative of the epidemic of men with mommy issues and the general lack of Greek mythology knowledge on this campus. It’s tough to navigate these breastmilk waters, so I created a guide to get only the highest quality men with mommy issues onto your lap.