Real Fake News
Campus:
Breaking down the chaos of the Syracuse “Workin” week!
The intolerant cancel culture mob has claimed another victim at Syracuse University, and this time, it is one of our most cherished institutions.
World:
One dark and stormy night in a south campus apartment that smelled like soup, a man asked me if it was weird that he kind of wanted to suck on my tits. I was like, “uh, I mean, maybe it’s a little Oedipus-y,” and he responded, “what’s that?”
This experience is indicative of the epidemic of men with mommy issues and the general lack of Greek mythology knowledge on this campus. It’s tough to navigate these breastmilk waters, so I created a guide to get only the highest quality men with mommy issues onto your lap.
Fall is fully underway, and as the leaves change color, so should your entire personality. This includes your style; gone are the swim trunks and open-toed shoes and in is everything remotely resembling a ballsack. That’s right, scrotal style is in for this fall, and we at the Kumquat know all the best gonad garments and accessories. So don’t drop the ball before your balls drop; here are the Kumquat recommendations for the best scrotum-centric stylings for this Fall.
So you’re alone on V-day. Today is either meaningless or deeply, crushingly personally offensive to you, but don’t fret! You may not experience the joys of love and intimacy but you can maximize your alone time in shared spaces around the ol’ apartment for productivity and dominance over these living spaces while your roommates are off having sex, unlike you.
Instagram:
Twitter:
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Bird Library Now Stocks Lexapro In Their Vending Machine Next To The Toothbrushes And Other Studying Essentials
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Barnes Center Therapy Dog Sued For Malpractice https://t.co/A4t0ScrKao
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Kummunity Spotlight: Shout Out To The Person Watching TikToks Full Blast In The Stall Next To Me
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The Kumquat Has Received Documents; We’re Not Telling You Which Ones
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Students Receive Cryptic Farewell Email From The Peel https://t.co/twujCXHUsF