EXCLUSIVE: Kenan Thompson to Announce Presidential Bid at Family Weekend Standup Set

September 16, 2015 Kum Quat

Students are buzzing over Kenan Thompson’s scheduled appearance at Syracuse University’s Goldstein Auditorium on Sept. 25.

But little do they know that Thompson’s antics have just begun.

For years, Thompson has been a staple of our screens, mastering the role of ‘The Funny Token Black Guy’ on “Saturday Night Live.” But now, Thompson wants to go beyond being ‘The Funny Token Black Guy’, and strives to be just ‘The Serious Token Black Guy.’

How will he attain this serious image? He will follow the examples set by media icons Donald Trump, the MacAfee guy and Kanye West. He will run for President of the United States.

We should expect Thompson to inform us of this groundbreaking announcement during his standup show during Family Weekend, The Kumquat has learned.

Sources within Thompson’s inner circle, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, revealed to The Kumquat some components of Thompson’s platform, which will run on the statement, “What Up with That?”

Kim Davis refusing to give same-sex couples marriage licenses: What up with that?

Income inequality: What up with that?

Police brutality: What up with that?

Thompson is the only candidate not afraid to see these issues, and ask, what exactly is up with them.

In office, he plans to utilize his famous impressions of Steve Harvey, Reverend Al Sharpton, Alex Treblack, Martin Luther King Jr, and yes, even Bill Cosby, to look at issues from different perspectives, sources within Thompson’s campaign said.

So when you cast a vote for Thompson, you are not just voting for one guy, but for all 108 of his impressions.

“He’s the kind of president who will be able to tell a burger apart from a Good Burger. That is what’s going put Thompson in the White House,” a source within Thompson’s campaign said.

Inspiring! Meet The Newhouse Student Who Interns For Himself

May 5, 2015 Kum Quat

Spring break is upon us. For some, that means beaches, booze, and maxing out Daddy’s credit card. But for those of us with a future, it means the swift arrival of the deadline to apply for summer internships. The competition is fierce–many students wind up settling for internships that provide little real-world experience, or they simply don’t get one at all. But one brave Newhouse student has dared to challenge all that. Meet Dawson Josephs: the first ever self-employed intern.

The Kumquat: So, Dawson. What inspired you to make this radical move in the face of such a dominant academic custom?

Dawson Josephs: Well, to be honest, I was really banking on interning for Viacom this summer. But I forgot to delete all the pictures of me drinking champagne with the boys at our Oscars party on Facebook, so they denied me. But then I thought of my dad, who runs his own custom birdhouse business from our basement, and thought to myself: ‘Heck, if Dad can be his own boss, why can’t I be my own intern?’ And from there, I just ran with it.

The Kumquat: Truly revolutionary. Could you walk us through an average day in the office as your own intern?

Dawson Josephs: Well, I always make sure to show up to work on time, since I’m pretty strict about punctuality. Then I’ll make a run to Starbucks and get my usual order: a grande caramel macchiato with skim milk—can’t forget the skim milk, otherwise I’ll be passive aggressive to myself all day. Since I’m the social media intern, I’ll normally log onto Facebook, check the most recent likes and views on my page, track the successes and failures of certain posts, and calculate the amount of online impressions I’ve made in the past week. It can be stressful because I am usually breathing down my own neck, making sure I’m not just surfing the web…you know how college kids are. Besides that, I don’t do too much—sometimes I have to go to the post office and pick up packages for myself, or make copies of different reports and memos that I need for the archives.

The Kumquat: That sounds great! Is the internship paid?

Dawson Josephs: Well, no, but I think it’s worth it just for the experience. I’m learning valuable skills that are truly essential for making it in this industry. And that in itself is worth more than the money, in my opinion.

The Kumquat: Would you recommend self-interning to other students in your position?

Dawson Josephs: Absolutely. I get to make my own hours, determine my own day-to-day tasks, and completely exploit myself as a source of free labor. It’s really the best of both worlds.

The Kumquat: Thank you for taking the time to sit down with us, Dawson. We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

Dawson Josephs: Anytime. I best be getting back to the office anyways, I’m pretty anal about letting the interns take breaks.

7 Things That Look Way Better In The Snow

February 19, 2015 Kum Quat

1. These trash cans behind Starbucks – Piles and piles of commercial trash from SU’s favorite coffee chain. A sight you might pass on a spring day and greet with shudders somehow reveals its true glorious beauty under a fresh few inches of… — 1. **These trash cans behind Starbucks –** Piles and piles of commercial trash from SU’s favorite coffee chain. A sight you might pass on a spring day and greet with shudders somehow reveals its true glorious beauty under a fresh few inches of powdery magic. Breathtaking.

2. Sigma Phi “Sig Ep” Epsilon – This second rate men’s locker room disguised as a mansion can house up to 150 fraternity brothers, just as many pairs of Timberland boots, and twice as many pairs of sweatpants. But under a graceful layer of… — 2. **Sigma Phi “Sig Ep” Epsilon –** This second rate men’s locker room disguised as a mansion can house up to 150 fraternity brothers, just as many pairs of Timberland boots, and twice as many pairs of sweatpants. But under a graceful layer of snow, Sig Ep’s constant reminder of perceived dominance doesn’t look like so menacing…it actually looks kind of…magical.

3. This parking job – Parallel parking isn’t easy, and if you asked my dad he’d say this tire is a little too close to that curb–though something about it, shrouded in a wintry mix of ice and sleet, might make even the staunchest of parkin… — 3. **This parking job –** Parallel parking isn’t easy, and if you asked my dad he’d say this tire is a little too close to that curb–though something about it, shrouded in a wintry mix of ice and sleet, might make even the staunchest of parking sticklers take back any judgements.

4. Your Neighbor’s Jeep Liberty – Sure, the girl that lives upstairs, the one with whom you share a driveway, might be a loudmouth. She may, on at least a few occasions, have left her car at the end of driveway thus blocking you in (includ… — 4. **Your Neighbor’s Jeep Liberty –** Sure, the girl that lives upstairs, the one with whom you share a driveway, might be a loudmouth. She may, on at least a few occasions, have left her car at the end of driveway thus blocking you in (including the time you burned your arm and needed to get to the hospital). Her car may be unnecessarily big, gaudy, and harmful to the environment, but with a fresh glaze of snow, it’s just *perfect.*

5. Cigarettes – Which highly addictive adult snack causes bad breath, yellow teeth, heart disease, cancer, and looks enchantingly beautiful when glossed with snow? Cigarettes! Now this is a picture the Surgeon General doesn’t want you… — 5. **Cigarettes –** Which highly addictive adult snack causes bad breath, yellow teeth, heart disease, cancer, and looks enchantingly beautiful when glossed with snow? Cigarettes! Now *this* is a picture the Surgeon General doesn’t want you to see!

6. Euclid Ave Sidewalk – Buried under these 2 foot snow banks lies memories of an autumn passed: red solo cups, uncurbed dog feces, probably some chicken bones, but under no circumstance would we trade this frost-kissed avenue for a clear and e… — **6. Euclid Ave Sidewalk –** Buried under these 2 foot snow banks lies memories of an autumn passed: red solo cups, uncurbed dog feces, probably some chicken bones, but under no circumstance would we trade this frost-kissed avenue for a clear and easily maneuverable walkway. Just look at it glisten with angelic charm in the low sun.

7. Chancellor Syverud – There’s no preface necessary; we all know “Kent” and his reputation. Though, somehow, the otherwise fun-sucking, nebbish, wet blanket chancellor of ours shreds the slope in a rarely mystical form. In his wake he lea… — 7. **Chancellor Syverud –** There’s no preface necessary; we all know “Kent” and his reputation. Though, somehow, the otherwise fun-sucking, nebbish, wet blanket chancellor of ours shreds the slope in a rarely mystical form. In his wake he leaves swirls of virgin powder and taken aback students. Gnarly.

Class Cancellation Policy Must Consider The Fact That I’m Having A Bad Day

February 17, 2015 Kum Quat

In recent weeks, numerous complaints regarding the class cancellation policy here on campus have come to light. Whether it’s the dangerously cold temperatures or unsafe driving conditions, there are plenty of valid reasons why classes should be canc… — In recent weeks, numerous complaints regarding the class cancellation policy here on campus have come to light. Whether it’s the dangerously cold temperatures or unsafe driving conditions, there are plenty of valid reasons why classes should be cancelled. I’m here to address a crucially important reason that has, until now, been grossly overlooked: the fact that I’m having a really, really bad day.
Let’s start with the fundamentals. It all started last night, when I realized I totally forgot to write my history paper. After hours of mind-numbing MLA citations, meticulous editing, and, yes, a little bit of Netflix binging, I finally got to put my head down… at 4 AM. Three short hours later, my alarm goes off for my freakin’ 8 AM. The fact that 8 AM’s are even legal is another story entirely.
Anyways, I’m trying to wake myself up, the sun hasn’t even risen yet, and I’m weighing the costs and benefits of skipping a shower for a few more minutes of sweet sleep. And get this–I live in Lawrinson Hall. That’s like a 5-10 minute walk to Newhouse. Which is just enough time for my Keurig coffee to turn lukewarm in my Tervis. It’s also uphill. Literally, bye Felicia.
The fact that all of these atrocities have been inflicted upon me solely as a function of school policy is absolutely inexcusable. I am paying $60,000 a year to be here, with the expectations that I can go to post-season basketball games, party at Castle Court, and lay for as long as I please in my Tempur-Pedic mattress-topper twin bed. Enough is enough: the administration has infringed upon my rights for too long.
Syverud, the student body has spoken. No longer will we tolerate your insolence, too many times now you have crossed the line. Student body: I will be holding a rally tomorrow in the comfort of my split-double to change our class cancellation policies. Because you know what? I shouldn’t have to go to class if I’m having a bad day. That just isn’t fair.

Freshman Girl Pledging Sorority “Sees Too Much”, Is Beamed To Distant Galaxy

February 12, 2015 Kum Quat

On her way to relieve herself in her sorority house during pledging this past Tuesday, freshman Donna Brady accidentally stumbled upon something she was never meant to see. Behind the door she assumed was that of the house’s first floor bathroom, sh… — On her way to relieve herself in her sorority house during pledging this past Tuesday, freshman Donna Brady accidentally stumbled upon something she was never meant to see. Behind the door she assumed was that of the house’s first floor bathroom, she witnessed a secret house ritual that has never before been observed by a new member. In our most recent message from Brady, she claims: “It will haunt me for the rest of my life.”
Brady recounts that in the dim light of the room, she could just barely make out the silhouettes of six of the sorority’s sisters. They floated in a tank of what looked like battery fluid, with strange wires plugged into the bases of their necks and frozen smiles on their faces. Brady, paralyzed with fear, remained in the room for only a few seconds before she was struck in the jugular vein with a tranquilizer dart shot from an unknown location.
According to Brady, when she awoke she found herself inside a small capsule on the surface of a foreign planet. After tinkering with the capsule’s communication technology, she was able to find a means of communicating in Morse code to relay her story to the Kumquat. “It may seem like I’ve been out here for only a few days, but gravity is different on this planet. Time moves quickly—while you’ve all been eating breakfast this morning, I have aged 56 years,” our last message reports. “This planet is sparse, but I’ve been able to survive. Despite the suffocating isolation, I still cling to the shred of hope that one day I may be retrieved from this planet and delivered back to the home I once knew.”
When the sorority in question was asked to comment on the situation, a source who has asked to remain anonymous left us with only this: “Brady knew too much, too soon. She had to be silenced.” As of today we have heard nothing from Brady. Our team of astrophysicists estimates that if she were still alive, she would be over 180 years old.

Editorial: The Kumquat Announces Full Transparency

December 1, 2014 Kum Quat

Dear Syracuse University students, staff, faculty, alumni, and Otto:It has come to our attention that although the sit-in has ceased, THE General Body still plans to move forward with its agenda, pushing diversity and transparency on campus. After a… — Dear Syracuse University students, staff, faculty, alumni, and Otto:
It has come to our attention that although the sit-in has ceased, THE General Body still plans to move forward with its agenda, pushing diversity and transparency on campus. After an intimidating and unruly 11 day sit-in, which included snacks, sing-alongs, and communist messages of “democracy,” we are unsure of their next move. Will they egg the Chancellor’s home? Light the Orange Grove on fire? Block the entrance to Chipotle? It’s impossible to tell how far this group is willing to go to obtain its goal.
And what more could they want? The Chancellor already said he would maybe, kind-of address the group’s grievances, and some grievances have already been kind of, sort of addressed.
Then, it became clear. THE General Body was talking to us. This was never about the Advocacy Center or Posse. It was about *The Kumquat*, Syracuse University’s number one source for news.
We’ve taken your subtle clues, THE General Body, and we know what you really want. But unlike the administration, we’re prepared to give it to you.
Here are all the usernames and passwords for The Kumquat’s accounts:
Google drive: thekumquatteam@gmail.com pw: SamuelNewhouseTits
Twitter: @SUKumquat pw: FoxNews4eva
Youtube: sukumquat pw: SyverudsOrangeFriends
Within these accounts, you’ll find news tips, secret interviews with members of the administration, a complete list of every female at Syracuse University ranked by hotness, a picture of each Kumquat writer’s asshole, and a breakdown of everything Syracuse University has ever spent money on since 1867. We hope this will leave you satisfied, THE General Body, knowing that *The Kumquat* is completely committed to total transparency.*
You’re welcome and God bless,
The Kumquat Team

*All passwords will change at 11:55:59 on 12/1/14, and will change every 24-hours after that. Do not contact us about these passwords again. Also, don’t ask us about our missing freshman writer. We are doing everything in our power to locate him. The Kumquat appreciates your discretion and patience during this difficult time.

Open Letter From The Guy Who Set Off The Fire Alarm

November 21, 2014 Kum Quat

To my fellow residents of Lawrinson Hall:As a wise man once said, “We didn’t start the fire. It was always burning, since the world’s been turning.”I would like you to keep that in mind, my dearest dorm-mates, as I relay to you the following in… — To my fellow residents of Lawrinson Hall:
As a wise man once said, “We didn’t start the fire. It was always burning, since the world’s been turning.”
I would like you to keep that in mind, my dearest dorm-mates, as I relay to you the following information. You see, I, Johnny Gibson, set off the fire alarm in Lawrinson Hall. It was me, and I take full responsibility.
But, it would not only be an incorrect statement, but a statement of lunacy, to liken a fire alarm to merely a collection of sirens and flashing lights. No, a fire alarm is so much more. It’s a wake up call — a symbol of the socioeconomic and racial troubles the youth of America face today.
Now, you may be thinking: Who is Johnny, a white male born into an upper-middle class family who attends a private university, to tell me about the racial and socioeconomic struggles of our youth? And what does this has to do with being woken up at 2 a.m. on a Sunday to the blaring sounds of alarms? Well, let’s think about it logistically. I am a white male born into an upper-middle class family who attends a private university. This is not the first decision I will make for you, nor is it the last.
It’s all about perspective. Sure, you’re climbing down 16 flights of stairs to stand in 35 degree weather, but think of the young people in the world who have no such opportunity. Before you start bitching about your 8 a.m. or saying things like, “Who the fuck set off the fire alarm again?” “How much of an idiot do you have to be to burn popcorn?” and “I hope the person who set off the fire alarm suffocates in a bag of burnt popcorn,” think about all the kids who have less than you. Or think about kids like me, who want nothing more than to have a simple date with Orville Redenbacher. Sure, I have 19-meal dining hall plan, but I’m a growing boy. I needed popcorn.
And dammit, if that popcorn was not delicious.
Next year, when we have all moved on from Lawrinson Hall, there will be another Johnny Gibson. Sure, it won’t be me, but there will be another young man with a dream, a bag of popcorn and the chutzpah to pop it. Show some respect.
Sincerely,
Jonny Gibson ’18
Dual Major Policy Studies/Entrepreneurship
President of the Men’s Rights Activist Society

Student Pleasantly Surprised To Find Group Photo Tinder Match In Bird

October 28, 2014 Kum Quat

Sophomore sports management major Kyle Mayer was pleasantly surprised Monday afternoon when he walked into Bird library to find his group photo Tinder match, exactly as he had left them.

“It was amazing,” he said. “I had just swiped right Sunday night, and there they were. I didn’t even care which one was Ally.”

When asked to comment, Ally’s Tinder group photo said simultaneously, “We do everything together! These girls are my best friends!” They then giggled.

Later that day, Mayer saw them again, but realized the group didn’t recognize him. The girls were too busy whispering secrets and playing with each other’s hair.

Mayer, discouraged, could only look on with admiration.

“There they were, heads cocked, arms intertwined. Their hair, blowing in the wind. If only they could love me like they love each other…their hearts set in stone.”

Newhouse Alums Thrilled To Relive Glory Days of Filmmaking, Broadcasting, Complaining In Food.com

October 23, 2014 Kum Quat

With Parent’s Weekend steadily approaching, the Syracuse University community is preparing itself for the mass influx of parents, alumni, and parents who are also alumni, including those from the esteemed S.I. Newhouse School of Public Communications. The Kumquat caught up with members of the “Newhouse Mafia” to see what they were most excited about.

“Some of my fondest memories of Newhouse occurred during those late night editing sessions at Food.com. There’s nothing quite like sitting down with a group of like-minded young intellectuals and absolutely ripping shit on your TRF 205 professor. Storyboarding, shooting, bitching about the faulty lighting kit you checked out from the Cage – I would give anything to go back.”

-Kathy Johansson, copy editor of her son’s Boy Scouts troop’s monthly newsletter

“Every time I hear my daughter sigh exasperatedly about the whack audio she picked up on her shoots for her BDJ class, I’m instantly transported back in time. It’s like I never left.”

-Dick Richards, used-car salesman

“During the phone call I have with my son once a semester, I always try to put in my two cents about how damn confusing the layout of Newhouse 2 is. But I think kids these days have moved on to more sophisticated ways of expressing themselves. They’ve got Twitter and the Facebook to channel their creativity now. Just yesterday I saw my son’s roommate use the hashtag #NewhouseProbs! Honestly couldn’t be more proud of these kids. They are the future of mass media.”

-Cheryl Williams, trophy wife

The Newhouse Alumni Network will host a brunch next Sunday morning in Food.com featuring Dinosaur BBQ, a slideshow of monumental Newhouse photographs from over the years, and ample time to whine about the horrible coffee they will most likely serve.

Letter To The Editor: In Honor of Remembrance Week, I Am Selling A Bunch Of T-Shirts With A Print Of Castle Court On The Front

October 21, 2014 Kum Quat

It’s Remembrance Week here at Syracuse University…

A time for us all to reflect, even if for just one minute, on the passing of our beloveds. Whether it be the fatal crash of Pan Am Flight 103, SU’s elimination from last year’s March Madness, or the time I dropped my phone in the Kimmel toilet, for me this week hits hard.

In honor of Remembrance Week, and in the wake of the tragic closing of Castle Court, I am selling a bunch of these T-Shirts with a print of Castle Court on the front.

Why? Because I’m pretty sure that this is a cause.

That’s right, I am the sophomore who made a bunch of t-shirts with Castle Court on the front, and I intend to sell them to my classmates in order to honor the end of an era. An era I remember all too well. Especially with basketball season right around the corner, it is important to acknowledge the abolishment of mass day drinking in the concrete courtyard of a low-rate student housing complex. For me, for my classmates, for alumni, and for future SU students, this is a tragedy—a story with no happy ending. But with these t-shirts that feature a picture of Castle Court on the front, I intend to turn the bad taste in our mouths into the distant ringing of the bell of sentiment.

Why?

Why would I sell these T-Shirts?

Because I’m about 99% sure that this is a cause worthy of action.

So why don’t you buy my T-Shirt with a picture of Castle Court on the front? For $15 you can get one, but for $25 you can get two.

I learned that discount strategy in my marketing class.

I’m pretty sure it’s called economies of scale.

The same way I’m pretty sure that reflecting on the closing of Castle Court is the mobilization of grassroots activism.

So, buy my T-Shirt that I made on the internet.

Because, Syracuse University, if you’re anything like me, then you’re probably pretty sure that this is a really important cause, a cause worth fighting for.

Dean Branham Explains: Pulitzer-Prize Winning Photojournalist Actually A Loose Cannon Of Bodily Fluids

October 20, 2014 Kum Quat

There has been much controversy over Newhouse dean Lorraine Branham’s decision to disinvite Michel du Cille, a Pulitzer Prize-winning photojournalist, from coming to Syracuse University. Ironically, he was coming to speak about his experience covering a public-health crisis in Liberia—until fears that there was a slim chance that maybe he might be carrying Ebola expressed by perhaps one student caused the University to change its mind.

Dean Branham has been criticized for this decision based on the fact that du Cille had been self-monitoring for symptoms and that the only way to contract the virus is through contact with blood, vomit, and feces.

But in an exclusive interview with The Kumquat, Dean Branham disclosed that while yes, Ebola is harder to contract than the common cold, her decision was specific to du Cille’s tendency to be a loose cannon of bodily fluids.

“He literally is a volcano of blood, spit, and vomit,” she said. “It doesn’t matter the time or the place, there is constantly something excreting from one of his orifices.”

Dean Branham also cited concerns about du Cille’s wet lisp, tendency to close-talk, and love of licking sick African children. Once at a dinner party in New York City, the three-time Pulitzer Prize winner cut his pinky off as a party trick, and then proceeded to use the blood to start an impromptu game of Pictionary.

“As dean of one of the top journalism schools in the country, I would usually never buy into such mass hysteria,” Branham said. “But the last time I was at a networking event with this guy, I witnessed him vomit blood into an open wound. It’s better to be safe than sorry.”

5 Totally Inspiring Queen Jen Bundy Tattoos

October 16, 2014 Kum Quat

We love and radically encourage all displays of undying love and devotion to our Queen Jen Bundy. Especially when the little people are branding themselves in her name! Check out these inspiring and awesome Queen Bundy tattoos!

1. Liven up your drab, downtrodden feet with this constant visual of your leader! There’s nothing like staring down at that face to remind you to keep your chin up!

2. Showing off a full-bodied Bundy will impress friends, family, and potential mates! This is a serious Bundy tattoo for a seriously loyal subject.

3. Showing your unwavering support of our Royal Highness doesn’t have to insult your masculinity with this fantastic Bundy bicep tattoo.

4. You’re a good girl who knows where her loyalties lie, but just because you’re loyal doesn’t mean you don’t have a bad side. If you’re the kind of girl who is willing to place our sexy beloved so close to your behind, then the Bundy Tramp Stamp is for you!

5. Even if you say you’re the real Queen B, we all know the truth deep down.

In Bundy we trust.

Our Queen Jen Bundy: She’s Just Like Us!

October 13, 2014 Kum Quat

We LOVE our reigning Queen Jen Bundy. She’s a student, a friend, and also a queen! But don’t stay up all night worrying how you will never measure up. Jen Bundy is really just like you!

1. She wears orange!

Jen Bundy is really good friends with Otto. She loves coming to sports events and supporting our teams. She rules over Orange Nation with dignity and grace.

2. She plays sports!

Jen Bundy understands the importance of physical activity. She does 30 minutes of cardio every day.

3. She goes out for drinks! (Don’t worry, she’s legal!)

After getting all her homework done and making her bed, Jen Bundy always makes time to grab a drink on the weekend. She loves socializing with peasants. Look out for her on her throne at Chucks!

4. She gets silly with her friends!

This girl knows how to work hard and play hard! Look at her being super goofy with her gal pal. You just know these ladies are BFFs.

5. She bleeds!

Jen Bundy bleeds red, just like you or me. She’s not a robot—she’s a real girl!

Except for one thing…

Jen Bundy does everything with divine providence from God himself. The sooner you realize this the better. As Homecoming Queen she is your ruler, your Goddess, your highness. Everything you do now, you do for her, in the name of her, because you love her. Just like your Grandmother loves God. It is great that you can relate to Jen Bundy but don’t forget your place. Jen can and will crush you. She rules with an iron first. She plays by her own rules: No Mercy.

WE LOVE YOU, JEN!

DPS Updates Safety Guidelines To Reduce Assaults In Broad Daylight

October 9, 2014 Kum Quat

In light of recent robberies, including a mugging at noon, the Department of Public Safety has given The Kumquat exclusive access to an updated list of safety procedures advised to every student.

FOR YOUR SAFETY, PLEASE REMEMBER:
1. Don’t leave your house. Watch from your window as larger, more intimidating students roam freely. This is your life now.

2. If you have to leave your house, use the following precautions:

• Walk in groups of 50 people or more, and make sure each of your human shields friends are equipped with necessary padding to absorb the blow of anything you might push them in front of

• Enroll in the University’s pricey self-defense courses—you can’t put a price on the lack of lacerations of your vital organs.

• Run. Just run the whole way.

3. Before you leave your house, make sure to call your mom and tell her that you love her, as it may be your last chance.

4. Try not to venture out during hours where criminals are most likely to attack. Times such as midday, late afternoon, and just before your post-lunch Chipotle are prime striking hours.

5. Don’t get close to strangers. That guy in your psychology class you were thinking of asking to hang out? Wrong move. Emotional bonds are just as dangerous. Remove yourself entirely from the dating pool.

6. Ladies—forget any advice you’ve received about “covering up.” It doesn’t matter how little you wear but how much is in your oversized Coach purse. You can sell a stolen iphone, but not a stolen virginity.

7. If you are approached by a stranger, and cannot run, you must hit them in the head, preferably puncturing their brain. Only this can stop them. Do not let them bite you or you may turn into a Townie.

Just remember! There is absolutely nothing you or anyone else can do to protect yourself from these random acts of violence. What about the people who are paid and trained to protect you? Well, they can’t do anything either.

Your quick reporting may help prevent others from becoming victims.

Dating App For ESF Students Allows Users To Compare Peers To Trees

September 24, 2014 Kum Quat

While girls at the SUNY College of Environmental Science and Forestry have been described as “down to earth,” directly comparing them to trees is an entirely new concept.

Branchout, a new social networking site for ESF students, allows guys to properly express their feelings about women by comparing them to trees and plants.

Modeled after the popular and degrading app Lulu, Branchout allows men to rate women by answering a series of prompts. Prime examples include: “Does this girl smell more like a sub-alpine fir, cattails, or a ginko tree?” and “If John Muir walked by this girl, he would…

A) sample her needles,

B) turn her sap into syrup to pour on his pancakes,

C) write a poem about her, or

D) make boards out her in order to build his cabin.”

The app then compiles the answers and gives girls a ratings on a scale of 1 to 10.

Branchout also allows male users to choose from hashtags to accurately describe their female specimen, or create their own.

John Prescott, a junior at ESf, developed “#coveredinlichen,” to describe girls who don’t shave.

Prescott said he wasn’t surprised at all when this hashtag became viral in the ESF community. He’s currently working on a new hashtag, “#belongsinthegreenhouse” for girls who are “immature” or who “just haven’t bloomed yet.”

When asked about how they felt, girls at ESF don’t seem bothered by this new social media phenomenon. Brooke McKenzie, a wildlife science major, affirmed her peers by saying, “In a world where women are often treated like objects, I would much rather be treated like a tree.”

5 Coziest Spots To Get Mugged On Campus

September 24, 2014 Kum Quat

With cold weather and loads of homework on the horizon, there’s no better time than now to go on a lonesome, late night campus stroll. But watch out—you might not be alone! Here are the top five coziest spots to get mugged on campus.

1. The Rose Garden

Thornden Park is infused with over 100 years of coziness history. From its rustic brick walkways and sprawling amphitheater, to the mysterious public pool, it’s more than easy for a lone wanderer to get lost within himself. But coziest of them all is the Rose Garden, located at the park’s southwest corner. Here, rose vines climb the coziest arbors to ever appear on your ex-girlfriend’s Instagram. Could you think of a cozier spot on the University Hill to call for help with empty pockets as your fresh cuts, bruises, and potentially deep stab wounds seep blood onto that rich, rich soil?

2. The Store Between BBB and the Housing Project

Lest we forget the bottom of the hill, where nestled between freshmen dormitory BBB and an ambiguous public housing project is a cozy corner store stocked to the brim with Funions, stale Oreo cookies, discounted cigarettes, and the warm sense of home. We couldn’t think of a cozier place to use your older brother’s ID to buy you and your suite mates PBR. But be careful—that cash register is behind plexiglass for a reason! Don’t let your guard down and remember to keep your hands in the air!

3. Moon Library, SUNY-ESF

Dimly lit? check.

Musty? check.

This super earthy library is open until 11 on most weeknights, but tread lightly! SUNY- ESF nighttime library dwellers are known to volatile and hungry. They’ll be quick to empty any outsiders’ pockets, and there is no guarantee that they don’t have rabies!

4. South Campus

From apartment-sized storage container to apartment-sized storage container, this little slice of paradise just south of main campus is perfect for a nice wetland stroll. But if you’re looking for your friend’s 20th birthday rager and get off at the wrong stop, take in a deep breathe of that sweet, southern air, and don’t panic as you circle around building after building, searching for numbers that don’t seem to exist as the battery of your iPhone 5 slowly depletes. Wasn’t it worth that bus ride to be lost in so much coziness?

5. Phi Psi

Located just off campus in a mid-20th century Victorian, it could, at first glance, be mistaken for Grammy’s summer cottage in Newport. But don’t be fooled by the welcoming faces of 20-year-old children clad in oversized sweatshirts and cargo shorts. These guys stay on porch duty 24-hours per day just waiting for one lonely pedestrian to flash a sign of weakness so they can rip the lanyard from one pocket and your wallet from the other.

Euclid Avenue Benches Reduce Crime, Poverty, Litter

September 9, 2014 Kum Quat

It started out like any other night for 19-year-old Shawn Miller. He woke up from his nap, slid into his favorite baggy grey hoodie, and rode his stolen low rider bike to the University Hill. But just as he had started creeping behind an unsuspecting college student, he saw it: a blue bench, beckoning him to “sit back and enjoy the University Neighborhood.”

And that’s exactly what he did. Miller sat on that blue bench and realized he was not living the life he wanted to live, and that he needed to make some changes.

“You know, every day I would just walk down the street, living in my own shell, just looking for the next iPhone to steal or unattended laptop to take. Those benches changed the way I looked at everything. I never thought before to just sit down and relax and, you know, enjoy the neighborhood. Now, I can never go back to my old ways,” he said.

Miller is now enrolled at Onondaga Community College and is studying to become an electrical engineer.

But his life isn’t the only who’s been changed for the better. Recent reports indicate that since the installment of the benches, crime rates have shrunk 87 percent. Students have been throwing solo cups and trash into University Hill trashcans. City-wide employment is on the rise.

“I knew this would work,” said Syracuse University Chancellor Kent Syverud.

The city plans to install 500 new benches by the end of the year.

Top 10 Ways To Avoid Getting Caught Saying F*ggot-A** N*gger On Camera

September 7, 2014 Kum Quat

From rappers to college soccer players, it happens to the best of us—one minute you’re having a great time with your friends, the next you’re screaming racist and homophobic slurs into the night. So before you have your next bigot-oopsy, read these 10 foolproof ways to make sure it doesn’t end up on camera.

1. Camera’s on? Stop saying f*ggot-a** n*gger.

2. Camera’s on? Don’t say anything that rhymes with f*ggot-*a** n*gger.

3. Camera’s on? As a precaution, don’t think the words f*ggot-*a** n*gger.

4. Camera’s on? Before you speak, think: “Is there a chance my mother will see this?”

5. Camera’s on? Before you speak, think: “Is there any chance Bleacher Report will be reporting on this?”

6. Develop a healthy sense of white guilt.

7. Fein tourettes!

8. If the temptation is just too hard to resist, scream f*ggot-*a** n*gger into your pillow every night before you say your prayers.

9. If that doesn’t get it out of your system, write f*ggot-*a** n*gger in your notebook 20 times, crumble that paper into a ball, and throw that ball at a random passerby.

10. And if that doesn’t work, just cut off your tongue. This way you’ll never utter the words f*ggot-*a** n*gger again.

Newhouse Student Sometimes Feels Bad About Himself, Then Remembers He Is In Newhouse

April 20, 2014 Kum Quat

Like many students, sophomore advertising major Matthew Bell sometimes feels sad.

“It’s just this weird unhappiness I can’t explain,” Bell said. “Sometimes I’ll wake up and have a good day. Other times I’ll wake up and have a not-so-good day.”

On these “not-so-good days,” as Bell described them, he sometimes questions his self-worth, is unsure about the future, and spends hours wondering if his cardigan accurately expresses his personality.

“It’s just like, ‘Who am I?’ you know?” Bell said.

But Bell, who has been struggling with these kinds of mood swings since he could process human emotions, said he recently discovered a remedy. Whenever he feels sad, he remembers that he was accepted into the S.I . Newhouse School of Public Communications.

“All those feelings of mild self-hate just instantly disappear.” he said. “That one single thought is powerful enough to push all the negative ones away.”

Remembering you are in Newhouse is an effective and safe way to avoid feelings of sadness, said school psychologist Dr. Tracy Goldburg. “Instead of thoughtfully or productively thinking about who you are, remembering that you are in Newhouse skips that potentially painful process,” she said.

Other helpful tips Goldburg recommends include: hanging your Newhouse acceptance letter on your fridge, deep breathing exercises (deep breath in, and upon release whisper: “Conde Nast”), and complaining about “#newhouseprobs” on social media outlets.

“But remember,” Goldburg said, “A Newhouse problem is only an actual problem if you’re not in Newhouse.”