Freshman With Guitar Still Thinks He Is The Only One

After nearly two semesters in college, freshman Reid Baker still believes he is the only student at Syracuse University who owns a guitar.

Researchers are unsure how Baker has managed to remain so oblivious to the high guitar-to-white male student ratio—roughly 1:3—and Baker’s peers are appalled that he still walks around, guitar in hand, expectantly waiting for one of them to ask, “Oh, do you play?”

“Last September I guess it was, like, kind of respectable that he had a guitar,” says Leslie Rubin, Baker’s floormate in Shaw Hall. “But by October it was kind of obnoxious and now…it’s just sad, really.”

It’s not uncommon for students who frequent the third floor of Shaw to hear Baker playing some of his favorite songs, including “Crash Into Me,” “Blackbird,” and the first half of “Wish You Were Here.”

These are also the only songs Baker knows how to play.

“His walls are covered in Bob Marley and Jimi Hendrix posters, and he can’t even play any of their songs,” Rubin said.

The student body will be relieved to know that Baker has plans to live on South Campus for the 2014-2015 school year.

ESF Student Teaches SU Student How To Climb Tree

Ever since he saw a Discovery Channel special on trees, freshman Dylan Koffman knew he would one day get to that high branch. Just last week, he got his wish.

Koffman knew from rumors going around Sadler Dining Hall that if there was one sure way to learn, it was to ask a student from the SUNY College of Environmental Science and Forestry.

“I’d seen an ESF student before, and I’ve definitely smelled one, so it took me less than a week to find one,” he said.

At first, Koffman had trouble getting the male ESF student to cooperate. He kept shifting from one barefoot to the other until Koffman convinced him that he benches “over two hundie” and has done “at least 1000 pull-ups since coming to college.”

The ESF student promised he would teach Koffman proper technique, but only if he didn’t wear cologne, left his cell phone at home, and wore earth tones to find himself “one with the tree.” Although abashed at the thought, Koffman said that it was worth almost any price to do something so prehistoric.

The ESF student, referred to as “Sage,” brought Koffman into Oakwood Cemetery to one of the tallest trees.

“At first, it felt like a foreign language. But within an hour, I was standing on my first branch,” said Koffman.

By the time Koffman reached the top, he experienced such a strong sense of euphoria that he no longer needed instruction. It was nearing nightfall, he said, and the smog-filled orange and yellow sunset was one of the best he’d ever seen.

But by then the ESF-er was nowhere to be found. Koffman realized that he had never been instructed on how to get back down.

“Sadler was about to close so I ended up in that tree all night until some local Syracuse lady found me in the morning and called the cops,” said Koffman.

Koffman warns the rest of the Syracuse community to keep an eye out for the mysterious ESF student, and to call the Department of Public Safety if any one knows an ESF character whose name sounds remotely like “Sage.”

Study Shows: Sliders Patties 50% Beef, 32% Corn Syrup, 18% Freshmen

A recent study conducted by Undergraduates For A Better Eating Experience found that Sliders Patties are made with 50 percent beef, 32 percent corn syrup and 18 percent freshmen.

Sliders’ head fry cook Chuck Braun, who conceptualized the recipe when he was only a delivery boy, said the idea came to him ten years ago during his sophomore year at Syracuse University. “I was mooing at a group freshmen leaving my dorm, when I realized the obvious solution to the rising beef costs at Sliders,” Braun said. “Instead of mooing at the freshman, I could use them as meat.”

Shipping beef can get costly, and the price of cow has been steadily rising since the destigmatization of mad cow disease in the late 1990s. But since Sliders’ recent partnership with Theta Chi, they now receive 30 percent of the profit of open parties and 100 percent of the freshmen. “The economic and flavor values were too good to overlook,” Braun said.

Though the meat is more tender in freshmen without alcohol in their systems, the recent renovation of the Carnegie hall doors forced Braun to explore other trapping methods. He has had the highest success rates through his partnership with Theta Chi, as well as at local slaughterhouse DJ’s. In August and early September, when lanyard sales are up, Braun looks forward to yet again being able to trap the juiciest meat of the newly migrated cattle.

“The trade was quantity for quality, really. I’m looking to expand my recipe to supermarkets and am going to need patties to sell,” said Braun. “Pinterest has been duplicating our recipe for years, but they never get the right amount of corn syrup.”

Guy Who Yells At Woman From Car Gets Date

Love has a way of sneaking up on us, sometimes even catching us off guard.  For Patricia Lemark, it found her at the corner of Euclid and Comstock.

She was running in leggings and her Juice Jam tank top when Syracuse University super senior Greg Cuneo drove past in his Jeep Patriot. He saw her, rolled down his window, and shouted “Those legs belong with me, honey!”

Patricia, genuinely flattered, strolled over to the car and handed him her number.

“What I look for in a man is confidence,” said Patricia. “And golly, that stunt turned me on!”  Patricia humbly acknowledged that men have catcalled at her before, but this time it felt different. This blunt release of oral testosterone was the sexiest way she’d been objectified in a while, she said.

“I’ve had men slap my ass and caught guys staring at my boobs,” she said, “but those guys come and go. Nothing says: ‘I’m insecure enough to try really, really hard to impress you’ like a guy screaming from his car window.”

Update: Since this article was written, the guy who screamed at Patricia out his car window took her on a date to Crow, and now they’re getting married and are going to live happily ever after.

Female Pledge Receives Insomnia, Balloons, and Mummified Heart Of Founding Sister

hree surprises greeted Alpha Xi Delta pledge Amy Stevens when she returned to her dorm room Wednesday night: a dozen of her favorite cookies, balloons in all of her favorite colors, and the mummified heart of one of the founding sisters.

Stevens immediately Instagrammed, Facebooked and Snapchatted the collection of gifts with the caption: “Best Big ever! #literallylovemybig.” She was most surprised to find the box of double chocolate chip cookies.

“I never told anyone what my favorite kind of cookie is!” she squealed, jumping up and down with excitement. “I can’t believe my Big knew! I am literally the luckiest Little in the entire world. I don’t know who my Big is but I already love her so much!”

While refreshing Facebook to check how many “likes” the picture had received, a teary-eyed Stevens told The Kumquat, “It is literally such an honor to have received the heart of Mary Lou Thompson. I know how important this is to the sisterhood. It’s just as important to me. I’ve felt a powerful connection to her corpse ever since they took us through the Vaults of Sisterhood on House Tour day.”

When asked about the future of the heart, Stevens said, “I literally cannot wait to pass on the heart of Mary Lou to my own little and keep this tradition alive. I can only dream that one day I will be important enough to have a part of me mummified and passed on for generations.”

For now, the heart will sit on her dresser, next to a paddle she decorated with her own blood.

Guy Invites Girl To Party After More Than 50 People Have RSVP’d On Facebook

Strategically planned love was in the air this week when sophomore Brendan Slater casually invited a female classmate to a house party—but only after waiting for the minimum 50 people to RSVP.  Fewer than that quota would automatically make the party “lame as hell,” according to Slater.

“Less than fifty means the basement won’t be crowded enough and she won’t wanna make out,” Slater elaborated. “Also, the DJ will probably suck. And the beer. And there won’t be any hot girls there.”

When reminded that he was already trying to court his female classmate, Slater replied, “Oh, right.”

When the time came to seal the deal, Slater resorted to inboxing his lady friend on Facebook because he “didn’t exactly have her number yet.”

Slater has been rejected from twelve different fraternities over two separate rush seasons, but “is totally gonna crush that shit next year.”

Newhouse Student Heartbroken After Petition To Add “Social Media” Major Fails to Receive Signatures

Undecided Newhouse sophomore Brianna Dow was heartbroken after a petition to make social media a major in Newhouse failed to receive enough signatures.

Though Dow sat in Food.com for three days tweeting at fellow Newhouse students and alumni from her professional Twitter, the petition acquired only two signatures.  The legitimacy of even those two signatures was called into question when it was discovered that the names signed were “Betta Thanartsandsciences” and “SI Newhouse.”

“I just don’t get it,” Dow said. “Social media is the medium of the future. Blog posts are the new novels and tweets are the new blog posts. Real art is short and raw. By 2020 the Oscars will be entirely composed of Vines. The Metropolitan will be an assortment of the finest Instagrams. After all, the right filter can move an audience to tears.”

After the failure of his petition, Dow is still working to make her dream a reality. She recently reached out to the iSchool, but upon finding out that the information technology school was in fact its own school and not a cute Apple sponsored branch of Newhouse, decided to become a self-made professional tweeter.

“If we don’t change with the times, we will be stuck in the times.” Dow said. “And not the New York Times either.”

Dow can be found at every Newhouse event tweeting deep, unique reflections about speakers.

SA Proposes Asian Ban In Lieu Of Smoking Ban

Last night, the Syracuse University Student Association held an open debate on the proposal to ban being Asian on campus.

Supporters of the ban say it would not only lessen the smoking problem, but also end feelings of inadequacy held by many non-Asian students. A former SA official, who retired to spend more time with his calzones, presented a Prezi that showed how the ban would decrease statistics across the board, including smoking, soft giggling, and more importantly, grading curves.

“I just feel as if I can’t measure up academically, you know? I mean aren’t most of them robots?”  said racist junior chemistry major Scott Smith, who also asserted that he’s “totally not racist.”

Another point brought up by Asian-ban supporters was that everyone will seem cuter. In a graph that was devoid of Hello Kitty stickers, the former SA member showed a decrease in polka dots, hats shaped like furry animals, and tiny everything. “Uggs and yoga pants will be seen as adorable yet again!” said one member of the sorority Gamma Delta Upsilon, who also suffers from long-term memory loss.

When it came time for opponents to explain their position, cabinet member Chris Lee took the floor and uttered one sole statement: “You are all horrible people.”

It was agreed by all to be the most productive SA meeting of the semester.

Conversatins About The Cold Create Lifelong Friendships

Although it was once assumed that cold weather had a chilling affect on personal relationships, an exchange between Freshman Johnny and Freshman Chris in the Boland elevator has proved that even conversations about the cold have the potential to thaw one’s frozen extremities, as well as one’s heart.

“It’s so cold,” Johnny said, as he entered the elevator.

“You should have worn a thicker coat,” was Chris’s reply.

“I know, dude. When I checked the weather I forgot about the wind chill,” Johnny said.

“Yeah. It’s a wind tunnel here,” Chris chuckled.

“You know, you look kind of familiar. Were you in my 8AM bio class last semester?”

“Oh yeah. That class sucked.”

“Yeah.”

Immediately after Freshman Johnny added Freshman Chris on Facebook, the duo signed on to room together next year, and are planning to meet each other’s respective families over the summer.

Student Comforted By Commercialism At Destiny USA

When his hectic academic routine gets overwhelming, Syracuse University student Mark Bidona has found himself a sanctuary.

“I think everyone needs a place where they can go clear their head,” said Bidona. “It’s so easy to get caught up in the bubble that is The Hill, you know?”

For Bidona, this means going to the local mall, Destiny USA.

“As soon as I walk in, the fresh scent from the variety of delicatessens in the food court mixed with the overwhelming perfume of Victoria’s Secret really lowers my anxiety and renews some sense of purpose in my life,” he said.

Without a car, Bidona often finds himself making the pilgrimage by bus. On this journey, said Bidona, he closes his eyes to avoid making eye contact with passengers or catching glimpses of the poverty out the window.

“Seeing those less affluent than me bums me out,” said Bidona. “I prefer a smooth transition from over-priced education to fluorescent-lit consumerism. It makes me feel more at peace.”

Sometimes Bidona doesn’t even buy anything, choosing instead to wander aimlessly. Just the prospect of potentially purchasing an item is enough bring him to an euphoric state. He then goes for a few rounds of glow in the dark mini golf, walks on the ropes course, and rides the carousel, totally ok  with only receiving love in the form of material things.

“Life’s too short not to take some time for yourself,” said Bidona. “And I’m definitely buying the IPhone5C in at least three different colors because I have a lot of tests coming up this week.”

University Union Finally Brings An Artist Every Student Knows To SU

After years of disappointment after disappointment, unknown after unknown, University Union has finally brought the band that the Syracuse University student population has been waiting for: The legendary, definitely well-known, hit single machine, twenty one pilots.

That’s right ‘Cuse, they spell their name in all lowercase, unlike those obscure bands that use normal grammar.

The student organization announced the band was coming via Twitter, after multiple suspenseful prerequisite tweets of clever 140-character wordplay and clues. After twelve hours of painful anticipation, UU finally made the big reveal. Students could not have been more enthusiastic.

“I really tired of all these underground bands coming to Syracuse, like Ke$ha and Kendrick Lamar,” said Betty Landern, a junior international relations major. “Finally, twenty one pilots is a band I, like everyone else in the world, know and love. You can’t listen to the radio without hearing their hit single, “That One With a Guitar In It.’”

The band is also widely known by anyone who listens to music for such songs as “That One That’s About A Girl Or Like Drug Abuse Or Something” and “The Song I Heard On My Radio Station I Think Was By Them But I’m Not Completely Sure And Might Actually Have Been By Like Some Other Band,” all of which appear on their debut album, “Self-Titled…I Would Assume.”

Other students thought the band would bring a breath of fresh air to the normally obscure SU music scene.

“When I saw some guy named ‘Macklemore’ was coming, I looked him up,” said Connor Amherst, a senior advertising major. “I realized he hadn’t even been signed. ‘Thrift Shop’? Has anyone honestly ever heard of that song? What a loser! Twenty one pilots is on Fueled by Ramen, so you know they’re legit. ‘Cause it’s definitely 2007 right now.”

Student Who Said She Was Almost Abducted Then Wasn't Almost Has Been Abducted

A Syracuse University female student has gone missing after saying she was almost abducted when she wasn’t almost abducted.

Friends claim they haven’t seen the female student since Thursday morning. Her roommate, Katie Galgory, a sophomore public relations major, knew something was wrong when she came home from class and her roommate was no where to be found.

“I was so relieved when she wasn’t almost abducted after she said she was almost abducted,” she said. “But when I got home and she wasn’t there, I knew that she had actually been abducted this time.”

The Department of Public Safety doesn’t have much to go by, so investigators are making due with what they have.

“We’re currently working from the description of the man who almost abducted her then didn’t,” said Officer Dick Tully, who is leading the investigation. “Honesty, it all leads to the same place.”

DPS is taking any information about the whereabouts of the missing female, and recently sent out an email reassuring students, “It’s not a joke this time.”

New Study: SU Females Mysteriously Stand Cold Temperatures

SYRACUSE — A recent study has revealed a population of Syracuse University females have developed an adaptation technique allowing them to congregate in low temperatures without processing it’s fucking freezing outside.

Dr. Charles Marlow, who spearheaded the study, said the most curious aspect was not the adaptation itself, but precisely when it occurs. The subjects would cover up with items such as jackets, hats, and gloves Sunday to Wednesday. But Thursday to Sunday night, their behavior would change completely.

“They weren’t possibly wearing enough clothes to feel comfortable in that temperature,” he said. “But it was like they didn’t even notice.”

Melissa Cliton, an assistant in the study, helped Marlow take observations one night on Marhsall Street. She said that seeing the adaptation unfold before her eyes was shocking.

“This isn’t the first city where I’ve seen girls wear provocative clothing on the streets,” she said. “But those girls were prostitutes, and even they wore jackets.”

Although Marlow and his team don’t know what initially caused the adaptation, they are in the process of testing some theories. One possible explanation is that sequined miniskirts radiate heat. Another is that they are kept warm from many layers of foundation.

“Whatever the cause is,” Marlow said, “we won’t stop until we’ve found it. But if we can, we might be able to use its opposite to stop global warming.”