Freshman With Guitar Still Thinks He Is The Only One

After nearly two semesters in college, freshman Reid Baker still believes he is the only student at Syracuse University who owns a guitar.

Researchers are unsure how Baker has managed to remain so oblivious to the high guitar-to-white male student ratio—roughly 1:3—and Baker’s peers are appalled that he still walks around, guitar in hand, expectantly waiting for one of them to ask, “Oh, do you play?”

“Last September I guess it was, like, kind of respectable that he had a guitar,” says Leslie Rubin, Baker’s floormate in Shaw Hall. “But by October it was kind of obnoxious and now…it’s just sad, really.”

It’s not uncommon for students who frequent the third floor of Shaw to hear Baker playing some of his favorite songs, including “Crash Into Me,” “Blackbird,” and the first half of “Wish You Were Here.”

These are also the only songs Baker knows how to play.

“His walls are covered in Bob Marley and Jimi Hendrix posters, and he can’t even play any of their songs,” Rubin said.

The student body will be relieved to know that Baker has plans to live on South Campus for the 2014-2015 school year.

Study Shows: Sliders Patties 50% Beef, 32% Corn Syrup, 18% Freshmen

A recent study conducted by Undergraduates For A Better Eating Experience found that Sliders Patties are made with 50 percent beef, 32 percent corn syrup and 18 percent freshmen.

Sliders’ head fry cook Chuck Braun, who conceptualized the recipe when he was only a delivery boy, said the idea came to him ten years ago during his sophomore year at Syracuse University. “I was mooing at a group freshmen leaving my dorm, when I realized the obvious solution to the rising beef costs at Sliders,” Braun said. “Instead of mooing at the freshman, I could use them as meat.”

Shipping beef can get costly, and the price of cow has been steadily rising since the destigmatization of mad cow disease in the late 1990s. But since Sliders’ recent partnership with Theta Chi, they now receive 30 percent of the profit of open parties and 100 percent of the freshmen. “The economic and flavor values were too good to overlook,” Braun said.

Though the meat is more tender in freshmen without alcohol in their systems, the recent renovation of the Carnegie hall doors forced Braun to explore other trapping methods. He has had the highest success rates through his partnership with Theta Chi, as well as at local slaughterhouse DJ’s. In August and early September, when lanyard sales are up, Braun looks forward to yet again being able to trap the juiciest meat of the newly migrated cattle.

“The trade was quantity for quality, really. I’m looking to expand my recipe to supermarkets and am going to need patties to sell,” said Braun. “Pinterest has been duplicating our recipe for years, but they never get the right amount of corn syrup.”