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This morning at 11:45 a.m., officials reported overheard sniffling on the second floor of the Hall of Languages. The student, who had left the classroom to blow his nose, was tackled and escorted to Health Services.
“We might not make it out of this alive,” one observer said in passing, staring off into the distance.
The Kumquat has confirmed that a student in Sadler Hall, who had been showing symptoms of the cold, was just diagnosed with the cold.
He was seen Friday night walking around without a jacket, which according to the CDC, increases your risk of getting the cold. After a few sleepless nights of sniffling, he sneezed multiple times in WRT 201. There are contradicting accounts of whether or not the projectile snot landed safely on his sleeve.
According to a Syracuse University Health Services report, the student has been in contact with at least 47 other students since contracting the cold — all of which are currently under careful observation.
The Kumquat will continue providing hourly coverage of this active cold outbreak. In the mean time, our experts recommend avoiding students who appear to be sniffling or coughing. “Please panic,” one SU health official said. “Remaining calm is futile.”
Bark, Bark? More like systematically oppressed. Words matter, and what we say to dogs matter. They may be sniffing their butts, but that doesn’t mean they’re not listening. Think next time before you assume you know what it’s like to be a dog.
I’m also the result of generations of forced breeding so that I could have these useless stubby legs that you think are so cute.
Yeah, didn’t have much choice in the matter. It’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Yeah…you fucking rescued me. Thank you, oh gracious human savior, for rescuing me from the very system of oppression your desire to have a pet has created. Thank you so very much.
Yeah, that’s great, but we don’t need to sleep together every night. I need some space.
I’m so glad I was able to participate in your public ego boost. I’m sure everyone watching was very impressed by your ability to control me.
Is that why you made my reproductive organs nonfunctional? What about my reproductive rights?
Just give me the god damned treat…please. I’ll wag my tail, I’ll lick your face, whatever, but it’s the only fucking thing I have to look forward to in this cage of a life you’ve created for m
I refuse to apologize for being who I am.
The Gallagher household was shaken this past Tuesday when their eldest son, Brett Gallagher, brought a perfectly fine dinner conversation to a screeching halt by revealing his long-suppressed feelings about the sport of baseball.
His father, Joseph Gallagher, recounted the scene: “It came after the potato salad. He gently placed his silverware down, looked up, and in a choked whisper said, ‘Honestly…baseball kind of sucks.’” Other guests at the dinner table reported that after fifteen seconds of smothering silence, Gallagher cleared his throat and continued, “Mom, Dad, I don’t like baseball. It sucks. And I’m sick of pretending I do.”
His mother, when reached for comment, said, “I don’t where we went wrong. His Bar Mitzvah was baseball themed. His bedspread had baseballs on it. He had The Sandlot on VHS. We were doing all the right things.”
Gallagher claims that he’s always felt this way, even from an early age. “I remember the first time my dad brought me to t-ball practice, and I couldn’t help but think about how boring it was. All of the boys seemed to love it but me. I knew I was different. I tried to cover it up, I tried to get into the Yankees, I even bought a Jeter jersey, but once I reached high school, I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. It was time to step forward and embrace who I really am,” said Gallagher.
Despite Gallagher’s worries that his friends and family would not accept him after revealing his true nature, his ex-JV baseball team stands in solidarity with him. “It doesn’t change the way I see him at all. It’s not like he had a choice…you can’t blame someone for the way they were born,” explains Chad Baker, shortstop. “It’ll take some getting used to, but Brett’s a good guy. I actually have an uncle who thinks baseball sucks too. In this day and age, you just can’t be ignorant about this stuff.”
Gallagher hopes to lead by example and advocate for others like him who are suffering from the same internal conflict. His goal is to encourage them to be strong, pursue other interests, and know that, “It’s okay to hate baseball, because baseball blows.”
Are you self-conscious when you scream at women? Not getting the reaction you think you deserve? It’s not you — it’s probably your catcalls! Here are 6 catcalls that will definitely get the ladies to fall to their knees…begging to be your next girlfriend!
1. “How you doing?!”
Nothing screams boyfriend material like taking time out of your busy day of drinking beer on your porch to ask a female passerby about her day. Ladies find this display of sensitivity refreshing, and understand you have absolutely no ulterior motives.
2. “Take off your shirt! I wanna see your tits!”
For modern women, being told what to do and when to do it is like a little vacation from days full of work and responsibilities. It shows that you’re a go-getter with leadership qualities, and your lady will find herself imagining how those traits will one day translate to a career.
3. “Yo, which one of you bitches wants to suck my dick?!”
Works best in groups! This one plays up on girls’ naturally competitive nature. Who will receive the pleasure of your unwashed genitals in her mouth? They’ll fight for it, and if they all stick around, this catcall creates the opportunity for a killer threesome or even an orgy.
4. “Hey girl, I’d fuck you!”
Ladies love a confident man, and being really straight forward helps bolster their devastatingly low self-esteem.
5. “Nice ass, I’m going to plow you in the asshole tonight!”
Notice how this one gets straight to the point? What a winning combination of a compliment and a specific action. Being upfront is doing this lucky lady a huge (or most likely smaller-average-sized) favor.
6. “Dearest, I respect you as a fellow human being, and see you as an independent, complex person with expectations, hopes, and struggles that I can never hope to understand from a chance encounter on the street.”
Nah, this one’s gay.
1. The Apollo 11 Moon Landing in 1969
2. When Ashley lost her phone at the Theta Chi party and then
found it later
3. The abolition of slavery in the United States in 1865
4. When Kathi flipped out on the Starbucks barista for spelling her
name wrong
5. Barack Obama became the first African American President in
2008
6. When Joey was so high, he ate a whole box of insomnia cookies
and still had room for Easy Mac when we got back to Flint
7. America’s Independence from Great Britain in 1776
8. When Beth made it up the mount stairs after she blacked out at
that crazy party on Euclid
9. The passing of the Clean Air and Water Acts during the Nixon
Administration
10. When Dillon finished his WRT 105 paper one second before his
Adderall binge ended
11. The invention of the printing press in 1450 by Johannes
Gutenberg
12. When Eric managed to snag a booth in Food.com even though it
was sooo crowded, how did you do that Eric?!
We caught you, you weirdo. Why do you actually want to see this? Your boss told us he’s been having problems with you. Here are some questions you need to ask yourself:
If you got to the bottom of this list, you really need help. And you’re fired.
Sorry.
Jonathan Ramsey, a Ph.D. student at the SUNY College of Environmental Science and Forestry, published a study this week that proves animals are completely incapable of loving their human owners.
“After performing extensive behavioral studies over a period of several months, I have obtained conclusive evidence that animals literally do not care about us at all,” Ramsey said on Monday.
“If anything, they probably hate us,” Ramsey continued. “I mean, just Google ‘cats.’ Look at all the terrible things people are doing to their cats. I’m going to make an educated guess that cats are sick and tired of getting shoved into teacups or socks or flower pots or mason jars so you can post it on Instagram.”
Furthermore, according to the study, even our most common beliefs about animals may be untrue. Butterflies, for example, do not kiss with their eyelashes. According to Ramsey, they “DON’T EVEN HAVE THOSE, OH MY GOD.”
According to the findings, not a single domesticated animal, from fish to ferrets and rats to Rottweilers, feels anything towards its owner other than slight loyalty. “And that’s just because you feed them,” Ramsey added.
When asked about how dogs perceive their masters, Ramsey was equally pessimistic. “All that ‘man’s best friend’ stuff? Total crap. Dogs know the only reason you have them is to turn them into a meme or to attract sexual partners like that goddamn “Must Love Dogs” movie. Trust me, your dog is fed up with the cutesy bullshit.”
He then hastily added, “It’s science.”
Ramsey claims his findings are completely scientific and unbiased, though sources say he remains bitter after his tragic mauling in 2006 by a ferocious pack of kittens. Ramsey declined to comment on the subject.
Contrary to previously widely held beliefs, a study conducted by The Alliance for Future Happiness and Well-being found that beauty may not actually be in the eye of the beholder. In fact, some people are just objectively ugly.
Though the study found that those who are ugly will never be as happy as those who are attractive, it has also brought to light new evidence that those who accept their unfortunate physical appearances have a higher likelihood of being neutral. As a result, many ugly people are starting embrace themselves.
Local ugly woman Rebecca Cirkin says she first realized she was ugly when even #TeamFollowback Instagrams would not follow back. Since likes on pictures directly correlates to self-worth—The Alliance for Future Happiness and Well-being had proven this in a previous study, “Zero Likes Means Everybody Hates You”—she was initially very concerned. “I tried everything,” Cirkin explains. “#blonde, #girl, #followforfollow, #instagood and even #swag. But nothing worked.” After years of such effort, Cirkin realized that she could not deny her true self any longer.
Cirkin recently came out to friends and family as ugly and she says they “took it better than expected.” Cirkin’s mother, who’s known Rebecca since she was a baby, said she noticed Cirkin’s appearance early on. “She never knew how to properly dress a Barbie for her body type,” her mother recalled. “I had always hoped that she would grow out of it by high school. But when she posted a picture on Facebook that said ‘no make-up’ that actually had no make-up, I knew.”
A close friend of Cirkin has supported her during this process and plans to set her up with a guy she went to high school with, after assuring him that she has a great personality.
The Russian tabloid Us vs Them Weekly has finally revealed the name of Vladamir Putin’s lover: a bear named Boris.
The Russian president and Boris the bear were spotted foraging in a countryside outside of Moscow. Putin reportedly met Boris the bear, father of two, while taking one of his totally straight shirtless horse rides through the expansive Russian wilderness. The two have been inseparable since. Outside sources have confirmed Putin has been spending nights at Boris’s cave, where the two knock down bee hives together and take long unicycle rides through the city.
When reached for comment Putin told reporters, “We’re very happy. Isn’t that right, honey?” His comment was greeted with great excitement by Boris.
Although Putin has claimed there are no gay people in Russia, a country of thousands of potential male figure skaters, he clarified at a press conference this morning his affair with Boris is different. Although they both have penises, Boris is a bear.
“It’s not gay if it is man and bear. In fact, it’s the most manly thing in the world. Now if you’ll excuse us we have to eat our fill before the long winter and watch Rent,” Putin said.
This is not the first instance in Russian history of a man/bear relationship. Previous ruler Nikita Khrushchev’s first lady was a bear known for setting off a renewed interest in furs throughout Russia. Putin said his relationship is a continuation of a long Russian tradition of dating bears and making the distinction between true human love and the love between a man and an animal that creates a natural butt plug every winter.
WASHINGTON – President Obama held a press conference on Tuesday announcing his official pardon of former National Security Agency contractor Edward Snowden.
The decision came as a surprise to many, who supported President’s previous plan to punish Snowden for releasing international government secrets to the media. However, their concerns were allayed once Obama pointed out that Snowden, although a criminal and threat to national security, could prove a valuable asset in revamping the government’s recently launched and poorly received health care website.
“Snowden leaked some of our government’s most classified information,” the president acknowledged. “And we are committed to punishing treason. But we are more committed to making at least one part of this health care plan actually works. And that’s where Eddie comes in.”
Obama believes Snowden’s expertise in coding, encryption, and “cool fonts” will be indispensable in renovating the unpopular website.
President Obama added that Snowden’s return would also provide more photo opportunities, so that Google searches of the former CIA employee would yield more results than Snowden pictured in “that lame grey button-down.”
“I mean, seriously. It’s like the guy’s only been photographed one time in his entire life. Is anyone else seeing this?” Obama said.
White House representatives reported that official talks to return Snowden to America will resume once he’s finished helping Vladimir Putin recover his MySpace password.
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