Assuming you’re not totally out of the loop, you know Friday night is the premier event of the winter trimester here at Millard Fillmore Middle School: The Snowflake Ball. Nobody really asked to be anyone else’s date for this event, but everyone knows that when push comes to shove, the slow dance is where the wheat separates itself from the chaff in the social hierarchy. So that you don’t come out of this dance looking like a sack of garbage, here are some ideas for how to not be stuck dancing with your friend Amanda from pre-school when the big moment arrives.
5: Sneak Into The Bathroom
Ever since that stomach bug went around after Martin Feinberg’s bar mitzvah for all the 7th and 8th graders, all of us 6th graders have been freaking out about some sort of trickle down issues coming our way. I absolutely guarantee that if you bribed Hassan the DJ like $10 he’d tell you when the slow song is coming up. So that you don’t draw too much attention to yourself, leave a song or two ahead of the slow song and try not to tell anybody where you go. This strategy very much falls along the “Ask not for permission, instead ask for forgiveness” approach of doing things, as it banks upon Amanda wondering whether you’re ok when you tell her you were in the bathroom instead of being angry that she left. Sure, you might have to deal with a lot of questions about what you did in the bathroom and if you’re actually gonna make everyone else get sick, but that’s worth dealing with in exchange for not having to deal with Amanda’s clammy hands.
4: Punch Tanner
Everyone knows Tanner is the whipping boy of Millard Fillmore Middle School. Kevin Fung had to deal with it two years ago, and last year it was Kevin Schott, but Tanner Popsarelli just goes through the wringer every single goddamned day of the year. The “Poopsarelli” jokes, the getting thrown in the lockers, the soiling himself before making his speech in the class treasurer debate, the child simply invites ridicule with everything he says or does. If this is the path you choose to go down, you need to get fully into Tanner watch mode. That means you have to watch him try to grind on Kimmy Delmonico, that means you have to watch him spill fruit punch near his crotch, and that means you have to watch him try to explain that he pissed blood instead of spilling on himself and that’s why the stain is vaguely red. I more or less think that the chaperones would give you a free pass if you socked him in the mouth, Amanda might too.
3: Ask Serena
Serena Frings, the apple of everyone’s eye. Her blonde hair, her hazel eyes, everything about her makes me scream “AH-WOOO-GUH” until I get asked to leave the dance. Actually, on that note, I’m not even gonna be at this dance. My girlfriend, who goes to a private school that’s so prestigious I’m not even allowed to tell you the name or where it is, has her dance this weekend at her school, so I’m gonna go there. We might even get to second base. Yeah, I said it, second base. There’s absolutely no shot you’ll get there with Serena or Amanda because they’re not as cool as my girlfriend is, but you gotta think about optics kid. Serena is on the fast track to be the premier slow dance attraction for bar mitzvah season, and everyone knows the Snowflake ball is pretty much a glorified bar mitzvah tuneup. Grow a pair and ask her. What’s the worst that could go wrong? She humiliates you in front of the entire auditorium and Amanda refuses to speak to you which leads to holiday dinners being awkward because your families always used to have them together and now she refuses to even be in the same as room? Maybe. But it’d be funny.
2: Tell Amanda You Love Her
Deep in your heart you know this to be true. Think about all the other things in your life you currently love: the Red Wings, when they cater lunch on a field trip, your Skullcandy over-ear headphones, I could go on and on. You know you always have loved and always will love these things, so it’s a safe bet to think you’ll feel the same way about Amanda. She’s a nice person, to be fair; she helped you with your acrostic poem on Ancient Greece even after you accidentally-on-purpose hip-checked her while sprinting down the stairs to get to the bus. Also, think about how easy it would be to just spend this time with her for just one slow dance. Trust yourself that you’ll finagle a different person to dance with for all the parties next year. Realistically, this is the strategically and morally correct thing to do. But you’re not gonna do this. You’re an idiot. Here’s what you’re gonna do instead.
1: Try To Bring Back The Harlem Shake
This one’s a sure thing, take it to the bank. If you time this one right, there’s absolutely no way you have to slow dance with Amanda. Again, this plan is contingent upon you bribing Hassan so that you know when the slow song is coming. Then, it’s on you to rally the troops. Get Erik, get Eric, get Erick, get everyone. In case nobody told you what the Harlem Shake is, it’s this thing from when we were in like 1st grade where somebody would play this song and at the drop everybody goes absolutely bonkers. Everyone gets dressed up in these really weird costumes and we can make this thing go viral on Youtube or TikTok. If there’s one thing everybody loves, it’s reviving an old viral video that went stale quickly the first time around. Again, you’re gonna make Amanda angry on this one, but that’s alright. Emotional fulfillment and moral uprightness are temporary. Viral fame is forever.
