Student Comforted By Commercialism At Destiny USA

When his hectic academic routine gets overwhelming, Syracuse University student Mark Bidona has found himself a sanctuary.

“I think everyone needs a place where they can go clear their head,” said Bidona. “It’s so easy to get caught up in the bubble that is The Hill, you know?”

For Bidona, this means going to the local mall, Destiny USA.

“As soon as I walk in, the fresh scent from the variety of delicatessens in the food court mixed with the overwhelming perfume of Victoria’s Secret really lowers my anxiety and renews some sense of purpose in my life,” he said.

Without a car, Bidona often finds himself making the pilgrimage by bus. On this journey, said Bidona, he closes his eyes to avoid making eye contact with passengers or catching glimpses of the poverty out the window.

“Seeing those less affluent than me bums me out,” said Bidona. “I prefer a smooth transition from over-priced education to fluorescent-lit consumerism. It makes me feel more at peace.”

Sometimes Bidona doesn’t even buy anything, choosing instead to wander aimlessly. Just the prospect of potentially purchasing an item is enough bring him to an euphoric state. He then goes for a few rounds of glow in the dark mini golf, walks on the ropes course, and rides the carousel, totally ok  with only receiving love in the form of material things.

“Life’s too short not to take some time for yourself,” said Bidona. “And I’m definitely buying the IPhone5C in at least three different colors because I have a lot of tests coming up this week.”

University Union Finally Brings An Artist Every Student Knows To SU

After years of disappointment after disappointment, unknown after unknown, University Union has finally brought the band that the Syracuse University student population has been waiting for: The legendary, definitely well-known, hit single machine, twenty one pilots.

That’s right ‘Cuse, they spell their name in all lowercase, unlike those obscure bands that use normal grammar.

The student organization announced the band was coming via Twitter, after multiple suspenseful prerequisite tweets of clever 140-character wordplay and clues. After twelve hours of painful anticipation, UU finally made the big reveal. Students could not have been more enthusiastic.

“I really tired of all these underground bands coming to Syracuse, like Ke$ha and Kendrick Lamar,” said Betty Landern, a junior international relations major. “Finally, twenty one pilots is a band I, like everyone else in the world, know and love. You can’t listen to the radio without hearing their hit single, “That One With a Guitar In It.’”

The band is also widely known by anyone who listens to music for such songs as “That One That’s About A Girl Or Like Drug Abuse Or Something” and “The Song I Heard On My Radio Station I Think Was By Them But I’m Not Completely Sure And Might Actually Have Been By Like Some Other Band,” all of which appear on their debut album, “Self-Titled…I Would Assume.”

Other students thought the band would bring a breath of fresh air to the normally obscure SU music scene.

“When I saw some guy named ‘Macklemore’ was coming, I looked him up,” said Connor Amherst, a senior advertising major. “I realized he hadn’t even been signed. ‘Thrift Shop’? Has anyone honestly ever heard of that song? What a loser! Twenty one pilots is on Fueled by Ramen, so you know they’re legit. ‘Cause it’s definitely 2007 right now.”

Student Who Said She Was Almost Abducted Then Wasn't Almost Has Been Abducted

A Syracuse University female student has gone missing after saying she was almost abducted when she wasn’t almost abducted.

Friends claim they haven’t seen the female student since Thursday morning. Her roommate, Katie Galgory, a sophomore public relations major, knew something was wrong when she came home from class and her roommate was no where to be found.

“I was so relieved when she wasn’t almost abducted after she said she was almost abducted,” she said. “But when I got home and she wasn’t there, I knew that she had actually been abducted this time.”

The Department of Public Safety doesn’t have much to go by, so investigators are making due with what they have.

“We’re currently working from the description of the man who almost abducted her then didn’t,” said Officer Dick Tully, who is leading the investigation. “Honesty, it all leads to the same place.”

DPS is taking any information about the whereabouts of the missing female, and recently sent out an email reassuring students, “It’s not a joke this time.”

New Study: SU Females Mysteriously Stand Cold Temperatures

SYRACUSE — A recent study has revealed a population of Syracuse University females have developed an adaptation technique allowing them to congregate in low temperatures without processing it’s fucking freezing outside.

Dr. Charles Marlow, who spearheaded the study, said the most curious aspect was not the adaptation itself, but precisely when it occurs. The subjects would cover up with items such as jackets, hats, and gloves Sunday to Wednesday. But Thursday to Sunday night, their behavior would change completely.

“They weren’t possibly wearing enough clothes to feel comfortable in that temperature,” he said. “But it was like they didn’t even notice.”

Melissa Cliton, an assistant in the study, helped Marlow take observations one night on Marhsall Street. She said that seeing the adaptation unfold before her eyes was shocking.

“This isn’t the first city where I’ve seen girls wear provocative clothing on the streets,” she said. “But those girls were prostitutes, and even they wore jackets.”

Although Marlow and his team don’t know what initially caused the adaptation, they are in the process of testing some theories. One possible explanation is that sequined miniskirts radiate heat. Another is that they are kept warm from many layers of foundation.

“Whatever the cause is,” Marlow said, “we won’t stop until we’ve found it. But if we can, we might be able to use its opposite to stop global warming.”