World — Campus — The Kumquat

Yesterday, hundred of thousands of people flocked to New York City to join the People’s Climate March. While that’s all well and good for some, The Kumquat likes to look at the bright side. Climate change doesn’t have to be all bad. Just look at this list of ten gross species that climate change is going to do away with for good!

1. Polar Bears

NOPE. Try again, polar bears. We’re done with you.

2. Black Rhino

Thanks, but no thanks, Rhino. Run the other way.

3. Poison Dart Frog

Off my planet, you poisonous little bastard.

4. Laysan Duck

Quack, quack, die.

5. American Hart’s Tongue Fern

There’s only room on this planet for one of us, American Hart’s Tongue Fern.

6. Yangtze Finless Porpoise

Yeah…we liked you better when you had fins.

7. Bluefin Tuna

We’re going to have to ask you to leave. Sorry not sorry, tuna.

8. Hawaiian Coot

Nuh-uh…No, thank you.

9. Paramecium Bursaria

Fuck this guy.

10. Humans

Do less.

Before I begin to outline the ways males across this planet are being relegated, instigated, perpetrated and taken advantage of, let me make a quick disclaimer: I love women. I love looking at women in the laundry room, looking at women in my geography lecture, and sometimes I even ask them if I can get extra ceasar dressing. But the thing I don’t love about women is when they decide that just because they were slightly disatvantaged more than 100 yeras ago (but who wasn’t back then) they can suddenly push men out off our pedestal. A pedestal we earned with hard labour and a history of genius. (See any women’s names on the Declaration of Independence? I didn’t think so.)

I believe our (meaning the Men’s Rights Advocates of the world) grievances can be summed up with five main points, beginning with the most important point of all:

1. Equal rights only come from equal strengths. If you ladies think you can have just as many privileges as the men of this country, then I urge you to fight me for them. If I can beat you in an arm wrestling contest (and we’re of equivalent weight, muscle mass, calorie intake schedule, etc.) and you beat me three times in a row, then go right ahead, I have no problem. Before that happens, I will continue to enjoy looking down on you through my glass floor.

2. Jars with difficult to open lids are our territory. Too often do I see women trying to upset the status quo by opening the lids to tightly sealed jars without coyly walking over to an obviously more adept male and asking him to open it for them. Well to all you ladies who think that suddenly you can do just as well without men, then I say good luck with lightbulbs, spiders, fixing the wi-fi, and a multitude of other problems you have the luxury of not dealing with.

3. Please stop wearing high-waisted shorts. If I have this right, and i’m %100 sure of my own opinions, women wear clothing to impress men. Therefore, if you want to impress men you need to stop wearing clothing that doesn’t make me want to yell compliments at you. I have no idea why a female would buy a piece of clothing if she doesn’t want to be noticed, but at this point I feel that I have to place this in the folder in my brain called “things I will never understand about women.” (It is an extremely small folder.)

4. Hold the door for us sometimes. I know i’m not alone in saying that when a man’s hands are full and he is trying to get into the lobby of a building, and a girl is in close proximity to the door, that girl should be obliged to help out, instead of ignoring the man’s struggle to get inside, awkwardly hiking the box up to his forearm so he can grasp the knob, having to pivot his body around the door with barely enough space to fit the box through the narrow gap in the doorway he created. Then of course the contents of the box starts to shift and pretty soon the box is tilting away from me and i’m trying desperately to keep this thing under control but despite my best efforts the box and me tumble to the ground and of course the packing tape isn’t enough to keep it sealed and the contents come spilling out for the world to see and people start shouting things like “how many dildos can a person need to own” which I won’t even dignify with an answer and of coursemy bottle of lubricant seemed to have cracked as a result of the fall and i’m not the kind of person who wants to go out and resupply lubricant every night so it’s a pretty sizeable bottle and it becomes a real dire situation for me, there, wheezing uncomfortably, fully lubricated on the lobby floor so what my point is is my landlord decided to bill me for the ruined lobby carpet so i’m asking all the empathetic Men’s Right’s Activists of the world to please send a few bucks my way by clicking the donate button at the bottom of this page.

5. Please support my kickstarter. I have invented a device that compresses farts into poops.